Now I've Heard Everything...

Puck-ding!
The Daily Download is a podcast hosted from a dude's turlet whilst he's...you guessed it...taking a dump. Complete with descriptions, grunts, farts, and a discussion of what was for dinner and is now in the pipeline,his craptacular exploits are available for your listening enjoyment. Although billed as a daily event, the last time he podcasted was back in October. I hope he's not backed up. Yes, my scurvy turlet wrecking cousin was notified of this site.
This post is my last for 2005 and is in line with a salute to this year. It was pretty sucky for me in a number of ways, most notably the change in my employment. I have big hopes for next year and I'm psyched to get into it. All the best to you for 2006!

Channel Screw

I don't know who created the video that I'm linking to but it is freakin' hilarious!! Kudos to the creator. Speakers up! Merry Christmas!

Welcome to (ho) Moes!

Moe's is a chain fast food restaurant that has better quality burritos, fajitas, etc. One of their locations is suburban Buffalo. After an evening of some last minute Christmas running around I decided to grab a quick dinner at this restaurant because the food is pretty good and they serve Coca-Cola not icky Pepsi. I realize that Coke violated human rights in Colombia by union busting and I feel guilty for using their products but when I want a cola, I want one that tastes good. Anyway, standard operating procedure at Moe's is to walk in and the help yells, "Welcome to Moe's!". Whenever Mike Rite and I go, we always say "Welcome to Homo's" at the same time the crew is yelling. Sometimes we'll say "You really blow". Anything for a cheap laugh. No greeting tonight. I walked past two elderly couples who were studying the menu and got in line behind a dude,his wife, and two kids. The wife, an agressive Asian type, had all sorts of issues. Although she spoke English clearly, she was too lazy to read and consequently comprehend what was being offered on the menu. She asked for one thing and then proceeded to change the orders a bunch of times. At one point she interrupted my transaction to fine tune her order for the millionth time. The pimply faced kid apologized while I smiled and said knowingly, "It's not your fault." Meanwhile, her putz husband is standing there with his buckteeth hanging out oblivous to the problems she's causing. The line bunched up as she discussed the various condiments she had on the orders and how much extra they were and whether or not they met the terms of her coupons. By this time I was seething because I hadn't eaten much and I just wanted to shove something in my piehole and bolt. The woman next to me joined in on my annoyance and before you knew it, her husband was punking their shit. To add insult to injury she ordered another item while her husband complained that they didn't ask which type of meat he wanted on his taco. How about you get an order of dickmeat with a side order of spine you fucking douche? Get your shit together. Take Madame Chiang Kai Shek and organize your program. I'm a single, childless chick but here's what I would've done...one parent take the kids and sits down while the other asks for a paper menu. Sit with the family and determine what's for dinner. One parent orders while the other keeps the kids together. As the ordering parent approaches the register, tell the kids to stay seated and help bring the food back to the table. Mom or Dad returns to pick up drinks. I leave fantasy world to close the transaction...as the wife paid, she decided she wanted to throw another taco onto the order. And then she had the balls to ask the kids to decide what kind of cookies they wanted. Hey bitch, they ain't got no cookies or much else in North Korea--choose a kind and tell them to like it or lump it. Such drama for a godamned taco! I grabbed a booth only to see that the dickcheez fambly was heading my way. I muttered "oh no ya don't..." under my breath and was Boltin' like Michael to ensure peace and quiet in another seating area.
Thank God the hellidays are almost over.

Sirius Drama & Kickin' it Cupcake Style

Sidekick and fellow sugarhound extraordinaire, Dyke Rite, and I had a slumber party/ Xmas cookie bake-off as we ceremoniously listened to radio history when Howard Stern left terrestrial radio on December 16, 2005. Unlike most chicks, I get down with technology and soon found myself having Sirius equipment envy (although for the record my weiner is larger than D.R.'s haw-haw). Spike Rite and I made so many freakin' cookies that I had to return to his hut in the hinterlands on the following Monday. In the meantime, I determined that I need to hear Howard in his new home starting next month. I also realize that I'm underemployed and must watch my expenses. I determined that if I dropped Blowtime aka Showtime from my satellite TV package, I could swing the Sirius subscription cost. The real bitch about Sirius is trying to find decently priced equipment. Considering my finances, I don't want the outlay to be ridiculous. The only decently priced set is one that has been out of production for about six months and it happens to be on sale at CompUsa aka ChumpUsa. I hauled my styx to the Amherst location and found the receiver only to learn that the home and car docking stations were out of stock. This is when I began learning about the ilk employed at computer/electronic stores. After I had sloppy tard boy check the stock and he reported that they were out, I asked, "When will you have it in?" Response: "Eventually" (code for "I don't fuckin' know nor do I care cuz I ain't working here past January.") I bought the receiver anyway and went in search of the docking stations at Circuit Shitty. The clerk at that store was less grubby and was a little more knowledgable. He explained that the manufacturer was no longer working with Sirius and that finding the docking station for my receiver could be a real pain in the ass. On a last ditch attempt, I went to Worst Buy (Paulie Paul's favorite) and was ignored for a good five minutes until I latched onto a clueless couple who was also looking for a Sirius receiver as a gift. They walked out with one that didn't have a tuning knob and the recipient will probably return it as operating the receiver without the knob is a nightmare. Overweight and unshaven sales slob informed me that they were out of the model that I wanted but that they were receiving a "drop shipment" (UPS delivery straight from the manufacturer) sometime that day. But he only worked until 4, he'd take my name and number and call me if the shipment came. Before I bolted to D.R.'s I decided to return my receiver because I would've been pissed if the docking stations never materialized. Much later in the day, the Worst Buy clerk called my cellie and said that the item arrived but I had to be there by 3 p.m. because that's when he's going home. Oh well. I'll have to wait 'til after Xmas. If I don't get it by Howard's first show, Dyke Rite invited me to sleep over so I wouldn't miss out. I'm sure Dookay will be thrilled to hear us two idiots whooping it up first thing in the a.m. while he conducts law skrewl 101.


Photo courtesy of Mike Rite

Paulie Paul found a video that gets ghetto while it salutes my flavorite cupcake shop in NYC. Memories of my pms throwdown with some nanny douche while getting my hook-up. Check it!

Single Parent Action

Sidekick Dyke Rite is always complaining about the single mother action in his 'hood who seem to be divorced and living off someone else's dime, much to his annoyance. I spotted this column on MSN and was curious. Upon skimming it I became appalled. Granted, single parents are common but a whole Web page of their dating disasters?! How about stay at home and raise your kids before you think about getting your pole greased or your sticks fileted? If people would have priorities their kids wouldn't be so f'd up.

Haki Saki Ha!

South Korean lawmakers had a brawl over education before ending their session. Speakers up!

Reality Check

Apparently, The Niagara Falls Gazette has a new editor from Alabama who isn't making friends with what's left of the publication's readers. Long story short, he wrote an opinion piece of his first impressions of his new assignment and outraged a local business owner. Read a quick summary of it here. Aside from not getting hockey and being critical of it, he had some good points. Sorry but truth is truth. He apparently said the following:

"Western New Yorkers have "horrible" eating habits, he wrote, citing chicken wings and doughnuts as examples of his readers' poor taste."

Spot on. People in this area are large and in-charge. I see a lot of female poot (front pouch in abdominal region), beer guts and big fat asses. Not that this area is the only place where overweight people live but they are borderline proud of their obeastity. Most haven't met a grease vat that they don't want to lick. People practically have knife fights over close parking spots--God forbid they walk a little. Mike Rite and I love the "fat/old people drop off zone" better known as the fire lane. It never fails. Some big ass SUV pulls up to the front door of Target or Wegmans and out comes a fossil or a fat slob who can't bear to walk. At least the oldster is understandable.

The Gazette editor also thinks "The rubes here are also overly impressed with Wegmans and Tops...What the food stores offer is talked about as if it's a tourist attraction. People, they are grocery stores, not a five-star hotel," he lectured.". He's right. Residents here consider travel to be Disney World and an exotic foreign destination to be Toronto, Canada. Not that there's anything wrong with T.O. but WNY'ers can be very xenophobic and consequently closed minded. God help you if your ethnicity is anything funkier than Italian. Archie Bunker exists for a reason. He's a timeless stereotype of many no matter what age group or gender. It's a WNY mentality.

Someone from Alabama shouldn't be so quick to point fingers as the old South can be just as unsophisticated as WNY. At least we don't wear sheets and hoods when we go to Wegmans for a Sunday morning donut run.

An offended business owner has established a petition calling for the editor's ouster. Considering the name of the coffee shop is "Bada Bean", I say fuggetaboutit!