Fiddy

Quote of the day...50 Cent performing at $10 Million dollar Bat Mitzvah...looks like someone got short-changed...

"Go shorty, it's your bat miztvah, we gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah."

Oy Vey!

Dear Crabby

For as long as I can remember one of my little pleasures is to check out Dear Abby in the local rag. In the age of the Internet, more often than not, I look at the column online. The Thanksgiving Day column was the obligatory "be thankful for our troops in Iraq", which is fine because it's not their fault they've been conned into service for the Halliburtons of the world. The next letter is from a writer who complained about door-to-door salespeople and religious types interrupting her life by knocking at inopportune times. She almost earned my sympathy until I re-read this part:

My problem, Abby, is this happens all the time. I live in a new subdivision...

Okay, you live in a starter castle aka mcmansion and you wonder why you're a target?! Duh! Flaunt your credit worthiness and peeps will flock to your door and phone in search of your pocket change. Notice I used the phrase credit worthiness and not the word wealth? These peeps seem to think that if they buy essentially what amounts to the innards of a double wide trailer then they'll be granted the privileges of those who actually have money. Please. They wouldn't know wealthy if it bit them on the ass.

The quote of the day is about Tom Cruise who recently bought a sonogram machine as he awaits the arrival of satan's spawn. In a recent interview he discussed the finer points of Scientology's promotion of silent child birth, here's the MSN gossip columnist's take..."'Cause when you're looking for "calm and quiet," you want the guy who screamed "I'm in love" while wantonly abusing Oprah's furniture standing right by your side."


file photo courtesy of Mike Rite

666 The Number of Your House

Texe Marrs sets us straight on the secret devil sign.

America's Most Wanted Trailer Trash

It seems a 30 year old woman in Louisiana couldn't deal with cold onion rings at the local Malt-n-Burger. She complained to the server who refused to replace her order. She became so angry that she called 911. Okay, we're probably dealing with trailer park logic, but honestly what did she think the police were going to do to avenge this "serious" wrongful act? Thankfully, her shit got arrested. Read more about it here. This story is reminiscent of an alleged call to 911 after a woman received an f'd up order in the drive-through. I don't know if anyone proved the veracity of that claim. Once I talked to a Buffalo 911 operator who told me that he received a call from a panicked woman. The cable had gone out and she had a two year old at home and didn't know what to do. A new nursery rhyme? There was a dumb woman who lived with a 2 year old and busted cable and didn't know what to do... I have a suggestion, stop procreating if you think a TV set should raise your child.

Random Bahflo Thoughts

I'm unlike most Buffalo area residents in the sense that I'm a singular sports fan. If you know me or you've read this blog long enough, I loves me some hockey and take extra delight in hockey brawls, as long as it's justified. Cheap shot Todd Bertuzzi can suck it (see below) as there's no need for that level of violence. Nonetheless, some old school slapstick comedy ala Rob Ray is perfectly fine. Anyway, now that the NHL rules have changed and fighting is in the background I've been learning and enjoying the finer points of the sport.



Now that the game is on after last season's lockout, I want to rep the Buffalo Sabres and get some gear. I live near the B-lo and from now until May it is freakin' cold here. Wouldn't you think that the organization would a)acknowledge the need for winter shirts, etc. as the sport is played in the colder months and b)provide female fans (who aren't dykes) some cute gear to buy? Here's what they offer. One cute baby doll short sleeve t-shirt, one golf shirt that is sort of feminine but looks a little too Amherst housewife, a hoody sweatshirt that is passable but boring and available only in red, along with watches and powderpuff caps. If you go to page 2, you'll see the practical Sabres "winter" tank top. Meanwhile, you hit the men's portion of the store and there's enough winter gear to cover every Buffalo beer gut. Unfair.

Did you ever think that dropping out of the University at Buffalo's medical school would be a good career move? The folks at Celebrity Death Beeper notified subscribers that Harold Stone died at 92 years of age. Stone, a character actor known for his work in film and television dropped out of the University of Buffalo Medical School when he had to work in order to support his mother. See his obituary for more.

Retards on Ice

First day of snow= idiocy in suburban Bahflo. About 8 inches of the "white stuff" fell in my neck of the woods. School was open and it was super special to find a Desperate House Whore in her late model SUV waiting for the school bus to come. Too bad she was blocking a nearly non-existent driveway--it was clogged with snow. Back in my day, we froze our asses off by ourselves waiting for the damn bus. I don't mind that people look out for their kids, I just wish they wouldn't get in my way as they do so. Nonetheless, it was a rough ride in not so bad on the way home. Here's to seven more months of this crap, ugh!

Just Wrong

My cat would totally tell me to "suck it" if I even attempted this. Recently dealt with a birfday--thanks to my pals for the props, y'all rule. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how old I get, I can still make myself laugh, therefore I rock.

Doin' it for da Chi'drens!

It's election day and a day off for me. I'm taking 'em while I can still get 'em. I conned Mike Rite into seeing the new Wallace and Gromit movie. We decided to hit the earliest show to try and avoid kids who tend to make too much noise. Thankfully the audience was small although it was mostly kids. Parents present looked at us enviously because we didn't have any rugrats in tow. The movie was really good. Nick Park is British and therefore his sense of humor was a bit too sophisticated for American children and their dopey ass parents. There were all sorts of gags, some intended for kids, some not, that Rite and I snickered over. The rest of the audience had little to no reaction. Today's audiences have to be beaten over the head before they find the humor in something. How sad. I was really amazed at the adults who didn't laugh at the things intended for us. If it were that whiney sonofabitch Seinfeld they would've eaten up like greasy pizza. Why do I have to live in the most dumbed down nation in the world?
On an unrelated note, I just purchased the new Beavis and Butthead DVD only to learn that it sucks according to several Amazon reviews. Luckily, I didn't open it so I'll take it back and buy something worthwhile. Family Guy comes to mind--check out their "tribute" to the FCC. I wish the B&B crew would get it right. They keep releasing inferior DVD product and fans are up in arms!

Martha Stewart isn't a Good Thing

Remember how I purchased CD cheez and garned an I-tunes music store card? Well, today I decided to start using it. There's nothing better than to think of an obscure song and just grab it. I was listening to some previous from my weekly Other Music e-mail, which features clips in hopes of enticing you to buy CD's. Nonetheless, they had a cut from a Sweedish dude who goes by Dungen. The song "Ta Det Lungt" had a strange Asian/rock flavor that intrigued me so I decided to buy it from I-tunes. I thought of a few other singles, searched, and purchased. Then I remembered I wanted "Santa Baby" as sung by Eartha Kitt not by that douche container known as Madonna. Several hits came up including a Martha Stewart Christmas collection. UGH! I chose to purchase my single from the Eartha Kitt "Platinum and Gold Collection" CD rather than give the house of Mothra any contribution. A few minutes later, I tried to find the David Bowie/Bing Crosby "Little Drummer/Peace on Earth" collaboration that they did on a 1970's television Christmas special. Sure as shit Mothra had her hooks in that too! What gives? I wouldn't buy it on principle. That Bahflo native denying doyenne can make money from other suckas! Maybe I should hook up with Sista Mike Rite Queen of the Download to find it elsewhere.

Vagina Celebrations

As you know, layoffs are in effect in my workplace and that means displacement in many forms. Some co-workers will be gone shortly if not already while some are going part-time with benefits while others are hiding out in allied jobs until maybe the civil cervix gods resurrect them. I'm of the part-time variety. On its face, it sounds good but I learned the reality today. Rather than allow us to work a three-day week to qualify for supplemental unemployment, we're being asked to work four days. It's a minor quibble in the sense that the money lost isn't much and the hassle that you go through to get it really isn't worth it. In my eyes my new circumstances are a cushion for the interim and nothing more. In the words of some lil' ghetto rappers "Ya gotta get up, get out, get some, shit!"

In some ways I'll miss the atmosphere of my work area. Overall, the people are talented and fun professionals. That being said, it's time to get on my work soapbox and do some generic complaining that could apply to almost any office atmosphere. Please refer to the title of this post.
Vagina Celebrations can be defined as female events that have a tie-in with what enters or leaves their vagina. In other words engagements and marriages (enters) and births (leaves). I'm probably setting myself up to sound like an envious little shrew but that's not my intention...here goes. I'm a single, cute, 30 something, childfree chick. All in all, I like my life because I'm free to do a lot of fun, interesting, not to mention selfish things. I keep my own hours and owe no one any explanations. I certainly don't begrudge my married with children counterparts their happiness despite the fact that they don't understand why I'm the way I am and why I don't want to be more like them. Nonetheless, as a co-worker, I get irritated by office showers to celebrate entrances and exits. Why I should I make a financial investment in somebody's life choice when no one makes one in mine? If I'm truly friendly with someone, then they merit a gift. Otherwise, it's giving under duress. Furthermore, what about time off? Dummy me hardly ever takes sick time while the moms and moms-to-be take off because they or their offspring are barfing. Single (not to mention gay peeps) get to pick up the slack with very little in return. There's nothing better than being stuck ooohing and ahhing over photos of someone's kids when you're trying to get something done. Today a co-worker spent 20 minutes showing her photos. The owner of these photos later contemplated taking them with her in case she runs into people upstairs adding, "I'm such a mom!" to the end of her thought process. I felt like saying, "You're such an egomaniac!" This is the sort of stuff that I'm subjected to frequently and after awhile it gets tiring. I wish I had the ability to hand out Vagina Celebration awards every time I hear about someone's wedding plans,dumb husband and/or their lame kids. Why can't these peeps understand that they're not paid to bring their personal crap to work? Show up, do your job, and get lost. This isn't a motherfuckin' sitcom where we actually care what happens to the characters. Get over it.


Pictured above is my little pumpkin'. She is not an extention of my ego.

Cheesebag

As college acquaintance Robbie said recently, "Celebrate your inner cheese." So I did and much to my embarrassment I'm about to bare all.
I'm about to be laid off and consequently I will lose the decent health care that I have so I decided it would be in my best interest to get some appointments taken care of. Who knows when I'll have insurance again. And yes, I used sick time, when you have several hundred hours accumulated, I think you're entitled despite what the taxpayers say. Anyway, after a trying appointment where I was informed that I need tests including an "old people's" test i.e. slammogram I decided to stop off at Tar-jay. As I wandered, I found the cheese bin where they had a buy 2 CD's get a free $15 I-tunes card. Essentially, you gained 2 cheesy greatest hits and the card for the price of 2 CD's. I saw KISS, Barry White, Def Leppard (ugh). I figured KISS Army Queen Mike Rite could hook this sista up so I kept looking. Then the Olivia Newton John "Gold" CD jumped out at me and it was as if my life was flashing before my eyes. She's been with me since I was in grade school. I remember Mr. Thompson playing electric guitar to her tunes while we sang along "Please Mr. Please"--seriously. The "Grease" years when the soundtrack was the shiznit for us middle school kids. The whole Xanadu craze--although the movie bombed, it showcased ONJ with my other faves Electric Light Orchestra . I also remember doing my Olivia imitation for Paulie Paul in high school and watching him pee his pants with laughter, "Have You Never Been Mellow". My imitation may have been prompted with ONJ's "Physical" comeback, which I wasn't particularly fond of "Let's get jizzical, jizzical..." I secretly enjoyed "Make a Move on Me". She's just easy to sing a long to and just plain sugary fun. Over the years I noted her battle with breast cancer and more recently the mysterious case of her missing boyfriend. She's held up well and has even tried to get some street cred by re-cutting "I Honestly Love You" with Babyface.
Also in this cheese bin was the Bee Gees Greatest Hits CD. My disco youth came back to me and before I knew it, I had disc in hand. I haven't even cracked it open yet but I am looking forward to some "Jive Talkin'" and "Nights on Broadway" not to mention the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack tunes. C'mon kids, 'fess up what's your favorite cheese?
I leave you with lyrics from "Livin' in Desperate Times" an ONJ tune that I'd forgotten about (some of you are saying I should have never remembered). It's very appropos considering my job outlook...

And I'm living in desperate times
Being alive's my only crime
Don't care what I have to do
I'll find some way to make it through

Sick Humor

Cheap laff of the day...
On September 2, 2005, CNN posted the names of those evacuated from New Orleans. Names were submitted via e-mail. Check out the first name. If you want the backstory on this entry, see this link.

This Post Brought to You by the Letter R

The official start of the hockey season is just a week away and I had the coolest sighting! Myself and two co-workers who used to have lunch from time-to-time decided to have a farewell lunch in light of layoffs. We ate at a sandwich shop inside the Lafayette Court building on Main St. One co-worker who's known for being chatty was in the middle of a story about her family. I was in the middle of my sandwich. I was listening to her but then I heard some dude talking to someone across the way as he walked near our table. That wasn't just "some dude"...it was my hockey hero Rob Ray!! Awesome. For years I loved watching Ray beat the tar out of some hapless Sabres opponent. More often than not it was Toronto Maple Leafs goon,Tie Domi.

All I could do was wordlessly smack my co-worker on the arm and interrupt her story. She said, "Oh yeah, that's Rob Ray!" She was excited, but not like me. Meanwhile, Ray's scoping out the table puzzled that it was a woman getting nutty about his presence. He's not a traditional hottie in the vein of Michael Peca (go ahead frootloop pals, click it ;-). Besides, it's not about his looks, it's all about the throwdowns.Nonetheless, the other co-worker said hello to him while I lamented the fact that I didn't have my #32 Ray jersey or my poster. I will get him to sign my stuff--it's my goal this season and now that I'm going on unemployment, I should be able to track him down at a public event.
Courtesy of Fry a really great article about the New Orleans debacle from Rolling Stone. Author Matt Taibbi's writing is reminiscent of Hunter S. Thompson. He has keen insight and a great sense of humor. I enjoy his articles even more than the columns he wrote in the Buffalo Beast.

Jerry Lewis Hot Monkey Love

In need of cheap laughs, I sought out Captain Janks of the Howard Stern show. Janks has been making me laugh for years with his pranks to major media outlets during disasters or celebrity deaths. He bypasses the producers and leads the anchor person on only to make some obscene Howard Stern reference. His conspicuous absence during the Hurricane Katrina media blitz was noted by Howard when he came back from vacation. When asked about this, Janks replied that he didn't have a lot of money so his gift to Katrina survivors was no prank calls. Check out Janks prank to Jerry Lewis and a few other funny audiovisual tidbits here (scroll to the bottom for Janks).

My Sentiments

photo (c) 2005


I go back and forth between sadness and anger for a number of reasons. This is how I feel right now, courtesy of the Hustler Hollywood Store in Los Angeles.

The Shiznit

It's too early in the morning to discuss the details of my pending layoff. Suffice it to say that deep down I knew it was a possibility. When I'm ready, I'll discuss to the level that is appropriate for public consumption. What I really wanted to write about was my cross country trip to escort longtime friend French Fry to her new digs in California. The layoff announcement diverted my attention from what was a great trip.
Nonetheless, the support and props are pouring in from my peeps. I appreciate all that you do for me. Especially the laughs that you provide to keep my spirits up.
Mike Rite is slamming losers on a local media message board, which makes me bust a gut. Paulie Paul sent me my new unemployment hobby Gizoogle a search engine wif flava! Check this example:

Important Brotha: Answa n comments provided on Google Drug Deala is general information, n is not intended ta substitute fo` informed professizzles medical, psychiatric, psychologizzle tizzle legal, investment, account'n, or otha professizzle advice upside yo head. Google does not endorse, n expressly disclaims liability fo` any product, manufactura, distribizzles service or service playa mentioned or any opinion expressed in answa or comments like a motha fucka. Pleaze read carefully tha Google Bitch Terms of Service .

If you feel that you have found inappropriate content, pleaze let us know by email'n us at brotha wit tha question ID listed above. T-H-to-tha-izzank you.

The first laugh of a day that is once again sure to be full of seesaw emotion.

Ramen Noodles

I'm still reeling from the phone call. Due to the incompetency of Erie County government, I have been laid off. Details to follow.

Local Media

While getting a read on local media coverage of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, I came across third rated WKBW's link to their podcast. Oh Boy! They're sooo cutting edge!


"The latest buzz word in the Internet world is "podcast," and WKBW is proud to be on the forefront of this emerging technology. In short, podcasts are MP3 audio programs that are available to be downloaded onto your computer and transferred to an iPod or any portable media device that supports MP3s. It can also be played right on your computer."

Does the podcast include a bucket of chicken wings, hot, extra blue cheese and a pair of zuba pants?

"WKBW Podcasts

What is a Podcast?
A podcast is a short audio file containing news or entertainment information. Because it is in MP3 format, you can listen to it right on your computer or download it to a portable music player like an IPod and take it with you.

How do I get it?"

Shouldn't the question be "Why would I want it?" If you live in the area, turn on your damn TV set and you'll get your fill of their idiocy complete with commercials. Aside from out-of-town nostalgia folks (a very limited audience) I can't see anybody wanting to hear about pistol packing punks or fires in the City. Not that I've watched local news recently.

Bottom line, Podcasting is handy for taking programs with you that aren't locally available e.g. Alex Jones or late night talk shows like Coast to Coast AM. It also democratizes and levels the playing field for those who can't get a show on a radio station. Why on earth, other than for promotional purposes, would a local TV station want to air an audio version of their schlock is beyond me.

Don't Want to Live Like a Refugee

I cannot get over the New Orleans tragedy. I can't believe that this country was so unprepared for a disaster. With all of the technicolor warning systems and we couldn't be ready to mobilize help to a very poor part of the United States. I'll bet a majority of those living in apocalyptic conditions didn't have much to begin with. From all of the media coverage I've been reading, people who didn't leave couldn't do so because they live hand to mouth. The disaster came before payday so they didn't have any means to get out of dodge. A lot of people stayed and have either perished or are suffering the miserable conditions because they were afraid of losing their possesions. What the hell good are your things if you're not alive to enjoy them? Duh. It's all Suze Orman, people first, things second.
The looting has been a major part of media focus. The New Orleans Mayor called police off search and rescue to guard storefronts. In some ways, that's pointless. It's more important to help the living than prevent the theft of sneakers. On the other hand, looters stealing guns and ammo is a really scary thought. I don't envy that man. No wonder he lost his composure and began swearing while making official statements. "Now get off your asses and fix this. Let's do something and let's fix the biggest goddam crisis in the history of this country," an emotional New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin pleaded Thursday night in a radio interview."
The chaos and suffering is a direct correlation of what happens when this country is busy declaring war in places that it doesn't need to be i.e. Iraq. Where's the National Guard in Louisiana? Iraq. To boot, the feds knew this sort of an event was coming. I need to go get gas before this area runs out or rations go down. I'm leaving shortly for a roadtrip. I'm not taking my vehicle but I want to make sure that when I get back, my p.o.s. car has gas in the event that there's prahlems, as we'd say in WNY.
NBC Photojournalist Tony Zumbado has some hard-hitting footage from the New Orleans Convention Center and surrounding areas on Thursday. His viewpoints are especially valid because he provided an eyewitness account without being a camera whore (news bimbo/himbo).
On a pop culture tip, singer Fats Domino was thought to be missing but apparently he has been located. Harry Connick Jr. a Louisiana native went back and was actually a person of "authority" at the New Orleans Convention Center (see the Tony Zumbado footage). How sad is it when cheezbag Connick is the only "official" to offer comfort to those desperate peeps?! On a sad note, singer Alex Chilton remains among the missing.

Wankers

I was foolishly surfing when I came across the Howard Stern Web site where they mentioned that Shaq the basketball dude is now busting online kiddie porn creeps. This made me recall a vigilante crew that's doing the same. They're called Perverted Justice. I cruised their busts and I couldn't believe all of the idiots that they've bagged. Then came the "money shot"...their "Wankers Page". They took a screen shot of someone playing with their junk. Notice the Yahoo Small Business ad. Intentional? ROFL