Fiddy

Quote of the day...50 Cent performing at $10 Million dollar Bat Mitzvah...looks like someone got short-changed...

"Go shorty, it's your bat miztvah, we gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah."

Oy Vey!

Dear Crabby

For as long as I can remember one of my little pleasures is to check out Dear Abby in the local rag. In the age of the Internet, more often than not, I look at the column online. The Thanksgiving Day column was the obligatory "be thankful for our troops in Iraq", which is fine because it's not their fault they've been conned into service for the Halliburtons of the world. The next letter is from a writer who complained about door-to-door salespeople and religious types interrupting her life by knocking at inopportune times. She almost earned my sympathy until I re-read this part:

My problem, Abby, is this happens all the time. I live in a new subdivision...

Okay, you live in a starter castle aka mcmansion and you wonder why you're a target?! Duh! Flaunt your credit worthiness and peeps will flock to your door and phone in search of your pocket change. Notice I used the phrase credit worthiness and not the word wealth? These peeps seem to think that if they buy essentially what amounts to the innards of a double wide trailer then they'll be granted the privileges of those who actually have money. Please. They wouldn't know wealthy if it bit them on the ass.

The quote of the day is about Tom Cruise who recently bought a sonogram machine as he awaits the arrival of satan's spawn. In a recent interview he discussed the finer points of Scientology's promotion of silent child birth, here's the MSN gossip columnist's take..."'Cause when you're looking for "calm and quiet," you want the guy who screamed "I'm in love" while wantonly abusing Oprah's furniture standing right by your side."


file photo courtesy of Mike Rite

666 The Number of Your House

Texe Marrs sets us straight on the secret devil sign.

America's Most Wanted Trailer Trash

It seems a 30 year old woman in Louisiana couldn't deal with cold onion rings at the local Malt-n-Burger. She complained to the server who refused to replace her order. She became so angry that she called 911. Okay, we're probably dealing with trailer park logic, but honestly what did she think the police were going to do to avenge this "serious" wrongful act? Thankfully, her shit got arrested. Read more about it here. This story is reminiscent of an alleged call to 911 after a woman received an f'd up order in the drive-through. I don't know if anyone proved the veracity of that claim. Once I talked to a Buffalo 911 operator who told me that he received a call from a panicked woman. The cable had gone out and she had a two year old at home and didn't know what to do. A new nursery rhyme? There was a dumb woman who lived with a 2 year old and busted cable and didn't know what to do... I have a suggestion, stop procreating if you think a TV set should raise your child.

Random Bahflo Thoughts

I'm unlike most Buffalo area residents in the sense that I'm a singular sports fan. If you know me or you've read this blog long enough, I loves me some hockey and take extra delight in hockey brawls, as long as it's justified. Cheap shot Todd Bertuzzi can suck it (see below) as there's no need for that level of violence. Nonetheless, some old school slapstick comedy ala Rob Ray is perfectly fine. Anyway, now that the NHL rules have changed and fighting is in the background I've been learning and enjoying the finer points of the sport.



Now that the game is on after last season's lockout, I want to rep the Buffalo Sabres and get some gear. I live near the B-lo and from now until May it is freakin' cold here. Wouldn't you think that the organization would a)acknowledge the need for winter shirts, etc. as the sport is played in the colder months and b)provide female fans (who aren't dykes) some cute gear to buy? Here's what they offer. One cute baby doll short sleeve t-shirt, one golf shirt that is sort of feminine but looks a little too Amherst housewife, a hoody sweatshirt that is passable but boring and available only in red, along with watches and powderpuff caps. If you go to page 2, you'll see the practical Sabres "winter" tank top. Meanwhile, you hit the men's portion of the store and there's enough winter gear to cover every Buffalo beer gut. Unfair.

Did you ever think that dropping out of the University at Buffalo's medical school would be a good career move? The folks at Celebrity Death Beeper notified subscribers that Harold Stone died at 92 years of age. Stone, a character actor known for his work in film and television dropped out of the University of Buffalo Medical School when he had to work in order to support his mother. See his obituary for more.

Retards on Ice

First day of snow= idiocy in suburban Bahflo. About 8 inches of the "white stuff" fell in my neck of the woods. School was open and it was super special to find a Desperate House Whore in her late model SUV waiting for the school bus to come. Too bad she was blocking a nearly non-existent driveway--it was clogged with snow. Back in my day, we froze our asses off by ourselves waiting for the damn bus. I don't mind that people look out for their kids, I just wish they wouldn't get in my way as they do so. Nonetheless, it was a rough ride in not so bad on the way home. Here's to seven more months of this crap, ugh!

Just Wrong

My cat would totally tell me to "suck it" if I even attempted this. Recently dealt with a birfday--thanks to my pals for the props, y'all rule. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how old I get, I can still make myself laugh, therefore I rock.

Doin' it for da Chi'drens!

It's election day and a day off for me. I'm taking 'em while I can still get 'em. I conned Mike Rite into seeing the new Wallace and Gromit movie. We decided to hit the earliest show to try and avoid kids who tend to make too much noise. Thankfully the audience was small although it was mostly kids. Parents present looked at us enviously because we didn't have any rugrats in tow. The movie was really good. Nick Park is British and therefore his sense of humor was a bit too sophisticated for American children and their dopey ass parents. There were all sorts of gags, some intended for kids, some not, that Rite and I snickered over. The rest of the audience had little to no reaction. Today's audiences have to be beaten over the head before they find the humor in something. How sad. I was really amazed at the adults who didn't laugh at the things intended for us. If it were that whiney sonofabitch Seinfeld they would've eaten up like greasy pizza. Why do I have to live in the most dumbed down nation in the world?
On an unrelated note, I just purchased the new Beavis and Butthead DVD only to learn that it sucks according to several Amazon reviews. Luckily, I didn't open it so I'll take it back and buy something worthwhile. Family Guy comes to mind--check out their "tribute" to the FCC. I wish the B&B crew would get it right. They keep releasing inferior DVD product and fans are up in arms!

Martha Stewart isn't a Good Thing

Remember how I purchased CD cheez and garned an I-tunes music store card? Well, today I decided to start using it. There's nothing better than to think of an obscure song and just grab it. I was listening to some previous from my weekly Other Music e-mail, which features clips in hopes of enticing you to buy CD's. Nonetheless, they had a cut from a Sweedish dude who goes by Dungen. The song "Ta Det Lungt" had a strange Asian/rock flavor that intrigued me so I decided to buy it from I-tunes. I thought of a few other singles, searched, and purchased. Then I remembered I wanted "Santa Baby" as sung by Eartha Kitt not by that douche container known as Madonna. Several hits came up including a Martha Stewart Christmas collection. UGH! I chose to purchase my single from the Eartha Kitt "Platinum and Gold Collection" CD rather than give the house of Mothra any contribution. A few minutes later, I tried to find the David Bowie/Bing Crosby "Little Drummer/Peace on Earth" collaboration that they did on a 1970's television Christmas special. Sure as shit Mothra had her hooks in that too! What gives? I wouldn't buy it on principle. That Bahflo native denying doyenne can make money from other suckas! Maybe I should hook up with Sista Mike Rite Queen of the Download to find it elsewhere.

Vagina Celebrations

As you know, layoffs are in effect in my workplace and that means displacement in many forms. Some co-workers will be gone shortly if not already while some are going part-time with benefits while others are hiding out in allied jobs until maybe the civil cervix gods resurrect them. I'm of the part-time variety. On its face, it sounds good but I learned the reality today. Rather than allow us to work a three-day week to qualify for supplemental unemployment, we're being asked to work four days. It's a minor quibble in the sense that the money lost isn't much and the hassle that you go through to get it really isn't worth it. In my eyes my new circumstances are a cushion for the interim and nothing more. In the words of some lil' ghetto rappers "Ya gotta get up, get out, get some, shit!"

In some ways I'll miss the atmosphere of my work area. Overall, the people are talented and fun professionals. That being said, it's time to get on my work soapbox and do some generic complaining that could apply to almost any office atmosphere. Please refer to the title of this post.
Vagina Celebrations can be defined as female events that have a tie-in with what enters or leaves their vagina. In other words engagements and marriages (enters) and births (leaves). I'm probably setting myself up to sound like an envious little shrew but that's not my intention...here goes. I'm a single, cute, 30 something, childfree chick. All in all, I like my life because I'm free to do a lot of fun, interesting, not to mention selfish things. I keep my own hours and owe no one any explanations. I certainly don't begrudge my married with children counterparts their happiness despite the fact that they don't understand why I'm the way I am and why I don't want to be more like them. Nonetheless, as a co-worker, I get irritated by office showers to celebrate entrances and exits. Why I should I make a financial investment in somebody's life choice when no one makes one in mine? If I'm truly friendly with someone, then they merit a gift. Otherwise, it's giving under duress. Furthermore, what about time off? Dummy me hardly ever takes sick time while the moms and moms-to-be take off because they or their offspring are barfing. Single (not to mention gay peeps) get to pick up the slack with very little in return. There's nothing better than being stuck ooohing and ahhing over photos of someone's kids when you're trying to get something done. Today a co-worker spent 20 minutes showing her photos. The owner of these photos later contemplated taking them with her in case she runs into people upstairs adding, "I'm such a mom!" to the end of her thought process. I felt like saying, "You're such an egomaniac!" This is the sort of stuff that I'm subjected to frequently and after awhile it gets tiring. I wish I had the ability to hand out Vagina Celebration awards every time I hear about someone's wedding plans,dumb husband and/or their lame kids. Why can't these peeps understand that they're not paid to bring their personal crap to work? Show up, do your job, and get lost. This isn't a motherfuckin' sitcom where we actually care what happens to the characters. Get over it.


Pictured above is my little pumpkin'. She is not an extention of my ego.