Now I've Heard Everything...

Puck-ding!
The Daily Download is a podcast hosted from a dude's turlet whilst he's...you guessed it...taking a dump. Complete with descriptions, grunts, farts, and a discussion of what was for dinner and is now in the pipeline,his craptacular exploits are available for your listening enjoyment. Although billed as a daily event, the last time he podcasted was back in October. I hope he's not backed up. Yes, my scurvy turlet wrecking cousin was notified of this site.
This post is my last for 2005 and is in line with a salute to this year. It was pretty sucky for me in a number of ways, most notably the change in my employment. I have big hopes for next year and I'm psyched to get into it. All the best to you for 2006!

Channel Screw

I don't know who created the video that I'm linking to but it is freakin' hilarious!! Kudos to the creator. Speakers up! Merry Christmas!

Welcome to (ho) Moes!

Moe's is a chain fast food restaurant that has better quality burritos, fajitas, etc. One of their locations is suburban Buffalo. After an evening of some last minute Christmas running around I decided to grab a quick dinner at this restaurant because the food is pretty good and they serve Coca-Cola not icky Pepsi. I realize that Coke violated human rights in Colombia by union busting and I feel guilty for using their products but when I want a cola, I want one that tastes good. Anyway, standard operating procedure at Moe's is to walk in and the help yells, "Welcome to Moe's!". Whenever Mike Rite and I go, we always say "Welcome to Homo's" at the same time the crew is yelling. Sometimes we'll say "You really blow". Anything for a cheap laugh. No greeting tonight. I walked past two elderly couples who were studying the menu and got in line behind a dude,his wife, and two kids. The wife, an agressive Asian type, had all sorts of issues. Although she spoke English clearly, she was too lazy to read and consequently comprehend what was being offered on the menu. She asked for one thing and then proceeded to change the orders a bunch of times. At one point she interrupted my transaction to fine tune her order for the millionth time. The pimply faced kid apologized while I smiled and said knowingly, "It's not your fault." Meanwhile, her putz husband is standing there with his buckteeth hanging out oblivous to the problems she's causing. The line bunched up as she discussed the various condiments she had on the orders and how much extra they were and whether or not they met the terms of her coupons. By this time I was seething because I hadn't eaten much and I just wanted to shove something in my piehole and bolt. The woman next to me joined in on my annoyance and before you knew it, her husband was punking their shit. To add insult to injury she ordered another item while her husband complained that they didn't ask which type of meat he wanted on his taco. How about you get an order of dickmeat with a side order of spine you fucking douche? Get your shit together. Take Madame Chiang Kai Shek and organize your program. I'm a single, childless chick but here's what I would've done...one parent take the kids and sits down while the other asks for a paper menu. Sit with the family and determine what's for dinner. One parent orders while the other keeps the kids together. As the ordering parent approaches the register, tell the kids to stay seated and help bring the food back to the table. Mom or Dad returns to pick up drinks. I leave fantasy world to close the transaction...as the wife paid, she decided she wanted to throw another taco onto the order. And then she had the balls to ask the kids to decide what kind of cookies they wanted. Hey bitch, they ain't got no cookies or much else in North Korea--choose a kind and tell them to like it or lump it. Such drama for a godamned taco! I grabbed a booth only to see that the dickcheez fambly was heading my way. I muttered "oh no ya don't..." under my breath and was Boltin' like Michael to ensure peace and quiet in another seating area.
Thank God the hellidays are almost over.

Sirius Drama & Kickin' it Cupcake Style

Sidekick and fellow sugarhound extraordinaire, Dyke Rite, and I had a slumber party/ Xmas cookie bake-off as we ceremoniously listened to radio history when Howard Stern left terrestrial radio on December 16, 2005. Unlike most chicks, I get down with technology and soon found myself having Sirius equipment envy (although for the record my weiner is larger than D.R.'s haw-haw). Spike Rite and I made so many freakin' cookies that I had to return to his hut in the hinterlands on the following Monday. In the meantime, I determined that I need to hear Howard in his new home starting next month. I also realize that I'm underemployed and must watch my expenses. I determined that if I dropped Blowtime aka Showtime from my satellite TV package, I could swing the Sirius subscription cost. The real bitch about Sirius is trying to find decently priced equipment. Considering my finances, I don't want the outlay to be ridiculous. The only decently priced set is one that has been out of production for about six months and it happens to be on sale at CompUsa aka ChumpUsa. I hauled my styx to the Amherst location and found the receiver only to learn that the home and car docking stations were out of stock. This is when I began learning about the ilk employed at computer/electronic stores. After I had sloppy tard boy check the stock and he reported that they were out, I asked, "When will you have it in?" Response: "Eventually" (code for "I don't fuckin' know nor do I care cuz I ain't working here past January.") I bought the receiver anyway and went in search of the docking stations at Circuit Shitty. The clerk at that store was less grubby and was a little more knowledgable. He explained that the manufacturer was no longer working with Sirius and that finding the docking station for my receiver could be a real pain in the ass. On a last ditch attempt, I went to Worst Buy (Paulie Paul's favorite) and was ignored for a good five minutes until I latched onto a clueless couple who was also looking for a Sirius receiver as a gift. They walked out with one that didn't have a tuning knob and the recipient will probably return it as operating the receiver without the knob is a nightmare. Overweight and unshaven sales slob informed me that they were out of the model that I wanted but that they were receiving a "drop shipment" (UPS delivery straight from the manufacturer) sometime that day. But he only worked until 4, he'd take my name and number and call me if the shipment came. Before I bolted to D.R.'s I decided to return my receiver because I would've been pissed if the docking stations never materialized. Much later in the day, the Worst Buy clerk called my cellie and said that the item arrived but I had to be there by 3 p.m. because that's when he's going home. Oh well. I'll have to wait 'til after Xmas. If I don't get it by Howard's first show, Dyke Rite invited me to sleep over so I wouldn't miss out. I'm sure Dookay will be thrilled to hear us two idiots whooping it up first thing in the a.m. while he conducts law skrewl 101.


Photo courtesy of Mike Rite

Paulie Paul found a video that gets ghetto while it salutes my flavorite cupcake shop in NYC. Memories of my pms throwdown with some nanny douche while getting my hook-up. Check it!

Single Parent Action

Sidekick Dyke Rite is always complaining about the single mother action in his 'hood who seem to be divorced and living off someone else's dime, much to his annoyance. I spotted this column on MSN and was curious. Upon skimming it I became appalled. Granted, single parents are common but a whole Web page of their dating disasters?! How about stay at home and raise your kids before you think about getting your pole greased or your sticks fileted? If people would have priorities their kids wouldn't be so f'd up.

Haki Saki Ha!

South Korean lawmakers had a brawl over education before ending their session. Speakers up!

Reality Check

Apparently, The Niagara Falls Gazette has a new editor from Alabama who isn't making friends with what's left of the publication's readers. Long story short, he wrote an opinion piece of his first impressions of his new assignment and outraged a local business owner. Read a quick summary of it here. Aside from not getting hockey and being critical of it, he had some good points. Sorry but truth is truth. He apparently said the following:

"Western New Yorkers have "horrible" eating habits, he wrote, citing chicken wings and doughnuts as examples of his readers' poor taste."

Spot on. People in this area are large and in-charge. I see a lot of female poot (front pouch in abdominal region), beer guts and big fat asses. Not that this area is the only place where overweight people live but they are borderline proud of their obeastity. Most haven't met a grease vat that they don't want to lick. People practically have knife fights over close parking spots--God forbid they walk a little. Mike Rite and I love the "fat/old people drop off zone" better known as the fire lane. It never fails. Some big ass SUV pulls up to the front door of Target or Wegmans and out comes a fossil or a fat slob who can't bear to walk. At least the oldster is understandable.

The Gazette editor also thinks "The rubes here are also overly impressed with Wegmans and Tops...What the food stores offer is talked about as if it's a tourist attraction. People, they are grocery stores, not a five-star hotel," he lectured.". He's right. Residents here consider travel to be Disney World and an exotic foreign destination to be Toronto, Canada. Not that there's anything wrong with T.O. but WNY'ers can be very xenophobic and consequently closed minded. God help you if your ethnicity is anything funkier than Italian. Archie Bunker exists for a reason. He's a timeless stereotype of many no matter what age group or gender. It's a WNY mentality.

Someone from Alabama shouldn't be so quick to point fingers as the old South can be just as unsophisticated as WNY. At least we don't wear sheets and hoods when we go to Wegmans for a Sunday morning donut run.

An offended business owner has established a petition calling for the editor's ouster. Considering the name of the coffee shop is "Bada Bean", I say fuggetaboutit!

Fiddy

Quote of the day...50 Cent performing at $10 Million dollar Bat Mitzvah...looks like someone got short-changed...

"Go shorty, it's your bat miztvah, we gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah."

Oy Vey!

Dear Crabby

For as long as I can remember one of my little pleasures is to check out Dear Abby in the local rag. In the age of the Internet, more often than not, I look at the column online. The Thanksgiving Day column was the obligatory "be thankful for our troops in Iraq", which is fine because it's not their fault they've been conned into service for the Halliburtons of the world. The next letter is from a writer who complained about door-to-door salespeople and religious types interrupting her life by knocking at inopportune times. She almost earned my sympathy until I re-read this part:

My problem, Abby, is this happens all the time. I live in a new subdivision...

Okay, you live in a starter castle aka mcmansion and you wonder why you're a target?! Duh! Flaunt your credit worthiness and peeps will flock to your door and phone in search of your pocket change. Notice I used the phrase credit worthiness and not the word wealth? These peeps seem to think that if they buy essentially what amounts to the innards of a double wide trailer then they'll be granted the privileges of those who actually have money. Please. They wouldn't know wealthy if it bit them on the ass.

The quote of the day is about Tom Cruise who recently bought a sonogram machine as he awaits the arrival of satan's spawn. In a recent interview he discussed the finer points of Scientology's promotion of silent child birth, here's the MSN gossip columnist's take..."'Cause when you're looking for "calm and quiet," you want the guy who screamed "I'm in love" while wantonly abusing Oprah's furniture standing right by your side."


file photo courtesy of Mike Rite

666 The Number of Your House

Texe Marrs sets us straight on the secret devil sign.

America's Most Wanted Trailer Trash

It seems a 30 year old woman in Louisiana couldn't deal with cold onion rings at the local Malt-n-Burger. She complained to the server who refused to replace her order. She became so angry that she called 911. Okay, we're probably dealing with trailer park logic, but honestly what did she think the police were going to do to avenge this "serious" wrongful act? Thankfully, her shit got arrested. Read more about it here. This story is reminiscent of an alleged call to 911 after a woman received an f'd up order in the drive-through. I don't know if anyone proved the veracity of that claim. Once I talked to a Buffalo 911 operator who told me that he received a call from a panicked woman. The cable had gone out and she had a two year old at home and didn't know what to do. A new nursery rhyme? There was a dumb woman who lived with a 2 year old and busted cable and didn't know what to do... I have a suggestion, stop procreating if you think a TV set should raise your child.

Random Bahflo Thoughts

I'm unlike most Buffalo area residents in the sense that I'm a singular sports fan. If you know me or you've read this blog long enough, I loves me some hockey and take extra delight in hockey brawls, as long as it's justified. Cheap shot Todd Bertuzzi can suck it (see below) as there's no need for that level of violence. Nonetheless, some old school slapstick comedy ala Rob Ray is perfectly fine. Anyway, now that the NHL rules have changed and fighting is in the background I've been learning and enjoying the finer points of the sport.



Now that the game is on after last season's lockout, I want to rep the Buffalo Sabres and get some gear. I live near the B-lo and from now until May it is freakin' cold here. Wouldn't you think that the organization would a)acknowledge the need for winter shirts, etc. as the sport is played in the colder months and b)provide female fans (who aren't dykes) some cute gear to buy? Here's what they offer. One cute baby doll short sleeve t-shirt, one golf shirt that is sort of feminine but looks a little too Amherst housewife, a hoody sweatshirt that is passable but boring and available only in red, along with watches and powderpuff caps. If you go to page 2, you'll see the practical Sabres "winter" tank top. Meanwhile, you hit the men's portion of the store and there's enough winter gear to cover every Buffalo beer gut. Unfair.

Did you ever think that dropping out of the University at Buffalo's medical school would be a good career move? The folks at Celebrity Death Beeper notified subscribers that Harold Stone died at 92 years of age. Stone, a character actor known for his work in film and television dropped out of the University of Buffalo Medical School when he had to work in order to support his mother. See his obituary for more.

Retards on Ice

First day of snow= idiocy in suburban Bahflo. About 8 inches of the "white stuff" fell in my neck of the woods. School was open and it was super special to find a Desperate House Whore in her late model SUV waiting for the school bus to come. Too bad she was blocking a nearly non-existent driveway--it was clogged with snow. Back in my day, we froze our asses off by ourselves waiting for the damn bus. I don't mind that people look out for their kids, I just wish they wouldn't get in my way as they do so. Nonetheless, it was a rough ride in not so bad on the way home. Here's to seven more months of this crap, ugh!

Just Wrong

My cat would totally tell me to "suck it" if I even attempted this. Recently dealt with a birfday--thanks to my pals for the props, y'all rule. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how old I get, I can still make myself laugh, therefore I rock.

Doin' it for da Chi'drens!

It's election day and a day off for me. I'm taking 'em while I can still get 'em. I conned Mike Rite into seeing the new Wallace and Gromit movie. We decided to hit the earliest show to try and avoid kids who tend to make too much noise. Thankfully the audience was small although it was mostly kids. Parents present looked at us enviously because we didn't have any rugrats in tow. The movie was really good. Nick Park is British and therefore his sense of humor was a bit too sophisticated for American children and their dopey ass parents. There were all sorts of gags, some intended for kids, some not, that Rite and I snickered over. The rest of the audience had little to no reaction. Today's audiences have to be beaten over the head before they find the humor in something. How sad. I was really amazed at the adults who didn't laugh at the things intended for us. If it were that whiney sonofabitch Seinfeld they would've eaten up like greasy pizza. Why do I have to live in the most dumbed down nation in the world?
On an unrelated note, I just purchased the new Beavis and Butthead DVD only to learn that it sucks according to several Amazon reviews. Luckily, I didn't open it so I'll take it back and buy something worthwhile. Family Guy comes to mind--check out their "tribute" to the FCC. I wish the B&B crew would get it right. They keep releasing inferior DVD product and fans are up in arms!

Martha Stewart isn't a Good Thing

Remember how I purchased CD cheez and garned an I-tunes music store card? Well, today I decided to start using it. There's nothing better than to think of an obscure song and just grab it. I was listening to some previous from my weekly Other Music e-mail, which features clips in hopes of enticing you to buy CD's. Nonetheless, they had a cut from a Sweedish dude who goes by Dungen. The song "Ta Det Lungt" had a strange Asian/rock flavor that intrigued me so I decided to buy it from I-tunes. I thought of a few other singles, searched, and purchased. Then I remembered I wanted "Santa Baby" as sung by Eartha Kitt not by that douche container known as Madonna. Several hits came up including a Martha Stewart Christmas collection. UGH! I chose to purchase my single from the Eartha Kitt "Platinum and Gold Collection" CD rather than give the house of Mothra any contribution. A few minutes later, I tried to find the David Bowie/Bing Crosby "Little Drummer/Peace on Earth" collaboration that they did on a 1970's television Christmas special. Sure as shit Mothra had her hooks in that too! What gives? I wouldn't buy it on principle. That Bahflo native denying doyenne can make money from other suckas! Maybe I should hook up with Sista Mike Rite Queen of the Download to find it elsewhere.

Vagina Celebrations

As you know, layoffs are in effect in my workplace and that means displacement in many forms. Some co-workers will be gone shortly if not already while some are going part-time with benefits while others are hiding out in allied jobs until maybe the civil cervix gods resurrect them. I'm of the part-time variety. On its face, it sounds good but I learned the reality today. Rather than allow us to work a three-day week to qualify for supplemental unemployment, we're being asked to work four days. It's a minor quibble in the sense that the money lost isn't much and the hassle that you go through to get it really isn't worth it. In my eyes my new circumstances are a cushion for the interim and nothing more. In the words of some lil' ghetto rappers "Ya gotta get up, get out, get some, shit!"

In some ways I'll miss the atmosphere of my work area. Overall, the people are talented and fun professionals. That being said, it's time to get on my work soapbox and do some generic complaining that could apply to almost any office atmosphere. Please refer to the title of this post.
Vagina Celebrations can be defined as female events that have a tie-in with what enters or leaves their vagina. In other words engagements and marriages (enters) and births (leaves). I'm probably setting myself up to sound like an envious little shrew but that's not my intention...here goes. I'm a single, cute, 30 something, childfree chick. All in all, I like my life because I'm free to do a lot of fun, interesting, not to mention selfish things. I keep my own hours and owe no one any explanations. I certainly don't begrudge my married with children counterparts their happiness despite the fact that they don't understand why I'm the way I am and why I don't want to be more like them. Nonetheless, as a co-worker, I get irritated by office showers to celebrate entrances and exits. Why I should I make a financial investment in somebody's life choice when no one makes one in mine? If I'm truly friendly with someone, then they merit a gift. Otherwise, it's giving under duress. Furthermore, what about time off? Dummy me hardly ever takes sick time while the moms and moms-to-be take off because they or their offspring are barfing. Single (not to mention gay peeps) get to pick up the slack with very little in return. There's nothing better than being stuck ooohing and ahhing over photos of someone's kids when you're trying to get something done. Today a co-worker spent 20 minutes showing her photos. The owner of these photos later contemplated taking them with her in case she runs into people upstairs adding, "I'm such a mom!" to the end of her thought process. I felt like saying, "You're such an egomaniac!" This is the sort of stuff that I'm subjected to frequently and after awhile it gets tiring. I wish I had the ability to hand out Vagina Celebration awards every time I hear about someone's wedding plans,dumb husband and/or their lame kids. Why can't these peeps understand that they're not paid to bring their personal crap to work? Show up, do your job, and get lost. This isn't a motherfuckin' sitcom where we actually care what happens to the characters. Get over it.


Pictured above is my little pumpkin'. She is not an extention of my ego.

Cheesebag

As college acquaintance Robbie said recently, "Celebrate your inner cheese." So I did and much to my embarrassment I'm about to bare all.
I'm about to be laid off and consequently I will lose the decent health care that I have so I decided it would be in my best interest to get some appointments taken care of. Who knows when I'll have insurance again. And yes, I used sick time, when you have several hundred hours accumulated, I think you're entitled despite what the taxpayers say. Anyway, after a trying appointment where I was informed that I need tests including an "old people's" test i.e. slammogram I decided to stop off at Tar-jay. As I wandered, I found the cheese bin where they had a buy 2 CD's get a free $15 I-tunes card. Essentially, you gained 2 cheesy greatest hits and the card for the price of 2 CD's. I saw KISS, Barry White, Def Leppard (ugh). I figured KISS Army Queen Mike Rite could hook this sista up so I kept looking. Then the Olivia Newton John "Gold" CD jumped out at me and it was as if my life was flashing before my eyes. She's been with me since I was in grade school. I remember Mr. Thompson playing electric guitar to her tunes while we sang along "Please Mr. Please"--seriously. The "Grease" years when the soundtrack was the shiznit for us middle school kids. The whole Xanadu craze--although the movie bombed, it showcased ONJ with my other faves Electric Light Orchestra . I also remember doing my Olivia imitation for Paulie Paul in high school and watching him pee his pants with laughter, "Have You Never Been Mellow". My imitation may have been prompted with ONJ's "Physical" comeback, which I wasn't particularly fond of "Let's get jizzical, jizzical..." I secretly enjoyed "Make a Move on Me". She's just easy to sing a long to and just plain sugary fun. Over the years I noted her battle with breast cancer and more recently the mysterious case of her missing boyfriend. She's held up well and has even tried to get some street cred by re-cutting "I Honestly Love You" with Babyface.
Also in this cheese bin was the Bee Gees Greatest Hits CD. My disco youth came back to me and before I knew it, I had disc in hand. I haven't even cracked it open yet but I am looking forward to some "Jive Talkin'" and "Nights on Broadway" not to mention the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack tunes. C'mon kids, 'fess up what's your favorite cheese?
I leave you with lyrics from "Livin' in Desperate Times" an ONJ tune that I'd forgotten about (some of you are saying I should have never remembered). It's very appropos considering my job outlook...

And I'm living in desperate times
Being alive's my only crime
Don't care what I have to do
I'll find some way to make it through

Sick Humor

Cheap laff of the day...
On September 2, 2005, CNN posted the names of those evacuated from New Orleans. Names were submitted via e-mail. Check out the first name. If you want the backstory on this entry, see this link.

This Post Brought to You by the Letter R

The official start of the hockey season is just a week away and I had the coolest sighting! Myself and two co-workers who used to have lunch from time-to-time decided to have a farewell lunch in light of layoffs. We ate at a sandwich shop inside the Lafayette Court building on Main St. One co-worker who's known for being chatty was in the middle of a story about her family. I was in the middle of my sandwich. I was listening to her but then I heard some dude talking to someone across the way as he walked near our table. That wasn't just "some dude"...it was my hockey hero Rob Ray!! Awesome. For years I loved watching Ray beat the tar out of some hapless Sabres opponent. More often than not it was Toronto Maple Leafs goon,Tie Domi.

All I could do was wordlessly smack my co-worker on the arm and interrupt her story. She said, "Oh yeah, that's Rob Ray!" She was excited, but not like me. Meanwhile, Ray's scoping out the table puzzled that it was a woman getting nutty about his presence. He's not a traditional hottie in the vein of Michael Peca (go ahead frootloop pals, click it ;-). Besides, it's not about his looks, it's all about the throwdowns.Nonetheless, the other co-worker said hello to him while I lamented the fact that I didn't have my #32 Ray jersey or my poster. I will get him to sign my stuff--it's my goal this season and now that I'm going on unemployment, I should be able to track him down at a public event.
Courtesy of Fry a really great article about the New Orleans debacle from Rolling Stone. Author Matt Taibbi's writing is reminiscent of Hunter S. Thompson. He has keen insight and a great sense of humor. I enjoy his articles even more than the columns he wrote in the Buffalo Beast.

Jerry Lewis Hot Monkey Love

In need of cheap laughs, I sought out Captain Janks of the Howard Stern show. Janks has been making me laugh for years with his pranks to major media outlets during disasters or celebrity deaths. He bypasses the producers and leads the anchor person on only to make some obscene Howard Stern reference. His conspicuous absence during the Hurricane Katrina media blitz was noted by Howard when he came back from vacation. When asked about this, Janks replied that he didn't have a lot of money so his gift to Katrina survivors was no prank calls. Check out Janks prank to Jerry Lewis and a few other funny audiovisual tidbits here (scroll to the bottom for Janks).

My Sentiments

photo (c) 2005


I go back and forth between sadness and anger for a number of reasons. This is how I feel right now, courtesy of the Hustler Hollywood Store in Los Angeles.

The Shiznit

It's too early in the morning to discuss the details of my pending layoff. Suffice it to say that deep down I knew it was a possibility. When I'm ready, I'll discuss to the level that is appropriate for public consumption. What I really wanted to write about was my cross country trip to escort longtime friend French Fry to her new digs in California. The layoff announcement diverted my attention from what was a great trip.
Nonetheless, the support and props are pouring in from my peeps. I appreciate all that you do for me. Especially the laughs that you provide to keep my spirits up.
Mike Rite is slamming losers on a local media message board, which makes me bust a gut. Paulie Paul sent me my new unemployment hobby Gizoogle a search engine wif flava! Check this example:

Important Brotha: Answa n comments provided on Google Drug Deala is general information, n is not intended ta substitute fo` informed professizzles medical, psychiatric, psychologizzle tizzle legal, investment, account'n, or otha professizzle advice upside yo head. Google does not endorse, n expressly disclaims liability fo` any product, manufactura, distribizzles service or service playa mentioned or any opinion expressed in answa or comments like a motha fucka. Pleaze read carefully tha Google Bitch Terms of Service .

If you feel that you have found inappropriate content, pleaze let us know by email'n us at brotha wit tha question ID listed above. T-H-to-tha-izzank you.

The first laugh of a day that is once again sure to be full of seesaw emotion.

Ramen Noodles

I'm still reeling from the phone call. Due to the incompetency of Erie County government, I have been laid off. Details to follow.

Local Media

While getting a read on local media coverage of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, I came across third rated WKBW's link to their podcast. Oh Boy! They're sooo cutting edge!


"The latest buzz word in the Internet world is "podcast," and WKBW is proud to be on the forefront of this emerging technology. In short, podcasts are MP3 audio programs that are available to be downloaded onto your computer and transferred to an iPod or any portable media device that supports MP3s. It can also be played right on your computer."

Does the podcast include a bucket of chicken wings, hot, extra blue cheese and a pair of zuba pants?

"WKBW Podcasts

What is a Podcast?
A podcast is a short audio file containing news or entertainment information. Because it is in MP3 format, you can listen to it right on your computer or download it to a portable music player like an IPod and take it with you.

How do I get it?"

Shouldn't the question be "Why would I want it?" If you live in the area, turn on your damn TV set and you'll get your fill of their idiocy complete with commercials. Aside from out-of-town nostalgia folks (a very limited audience) I can't see anybody wanting to hear about pistol packing punks or fires in the City. Not that I've watched local news recently.

Bottom line, Podcasting is handy for taking programs with you that aren't locally available e.g. Alex Jones or late night talk shows like Coast to Coast AM. It also democratizes and levels the playing field for those who can't get a show on a radio station. Why on earth, other than for promotional purposes, would a local TV station want to air an audio version of their schlock is beyond me.

Don't Want to Live Like a Refugee

I cannot get over the New Orleans tragedy. I can't believe that this country was so unprepared for a disaster. With all of the technicolor warning systems and we couldn't be ready to mobilize help to a very poor part of the United States. I'll bet a majority of those living in apocalyptic conditions didn't have much to begin with. From all of the media coverage I've been reading, people who didn't leave couldn't do so because they live hand to mouth. The disaster came before payday so they didn't have any means to get out of dodge. A lot of people stayed and have either perished or are suffering the miserable conditions because they were afraid of losing their possesions. What the hell good are your things if you're not alive to enjoy them? Duh. It's all Suze Orman, people first, things second.
The looting has been a major part of media focus. The New Orleans Mayor called police off search and rescue to guard storefronts. In some ways, that's pointless. It's more important to help the living than prevent the theft of sneakers. On the other hand, looters stealing guns and ammo is a really scary thought. I don't envy that man. No wonder he lost his composure and began swearing while making official statements. "Now get off your asses and fix this. Let's do something and let's fix the biggest goddam crisis in the history of this country," an emotional New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin pleaded Thursday night in a radio interview."
The chaos and suffering is a direct correlation of what happens when this country is busy declaring war in places that it doesn't need to be i.e. Iraq. Where's the National Guard in Louisiana? Iraq. To boot, the feds knew this sort of an event was coming. I need to go get gas before this area runs out or rations go down. I'm leaving shortly for a roadtrip. I'm not taking my vehicle but I want to make sure that when I get back, my p.o.s. car has gas in the event that there's prahlems, as we'd say in WNY.
NBC Photojournalist Tony Zumbado has some hard-hitting footage from the New Orleans Convention Center and surrounding areas on Thursday. His viewpoints are especially valid because he provided an eyewitness account without being a camera whore (news bimbo/himbo).
On a pop culture tip, singer Fats Domino was thought to be missing but apparently he has been located. Harry Connick Jr. a Louisiana native went back and was actually a person of "authority" at the New Orleans Convention Center (see the Tony Zumbado footage). How sad is it when cheezbag Connick is the only "official" to offer comfort to those desperate peeps?! On a sad note, singer Alex Chilton remains among the missing.

Wankers

I was foolishly surfing when I came across the Howard Stern Web site where they mentioned that Shaq the basketball dude is now busting online kiddie porn creeps. This made me recall a vigilante crew that's doing the same. They're called Perverted Justice. I cruised their busts and I couldn't believe all of the idiots that they've bagged. Then came the "money shot"...their "Wankers Page". They took a screen shot of someone playing with their junk. Notice the Yahoo Small Business ad. Intentional? ROFL

This is Not America

As Bowie once sang. This country is such a mess. A rave in Salt Lake City, Utah was busted by a SWAT team, helicopters, and dogs.Check out this video. Why? Because laws such as the RAVE Act of 2003 give authorities the right to violate civil rights. What gives? See this link for more. Finally, you have to see the Utah County Sheriffs press release about the bust. Nothing but a publicity stunt. Good day comrades.

Separated at Birth?

I saw a write up on awfulplasticsurgery.com commenting on David Coverdale of Whitesnake's feminine looks. The photo made me think of Kristy McNichol so here's her photo.
You'll have to hit APS's Web site to see Coverdale, his chiclet teeth, and femimullet since they've disabled the photo capture option.
Love that site but that's so pricky. Yeah I know about copyright, I'm a librarian, but have these people ever heard of derivative non-profit use? I prop the site in my writing and I link to them, what's the dilly yo?

Han Solo

Okay, what's up with the mispronunciation of Irish last names? Seriously. I keep hearing "Lindsay Lo-han" and "Cindy Shee-han". Since when? My Lucky freakin' Charms say it's "Lohan" one syllable. Same deal with Sheehan. I'm no linguist but shouldn't that H be silent? What about a name like McGhee? Should it be Mc Gee Hee? Not!

If you're an Ipodder, check the celebrity mixes. Smelly Tommy Lee has a playlist. What scares me is that he's into Basement Jaxx and Peaches, just like me and my homies. He's also into Massive Attack and he even likes the same Beasties Boys tune that I do ("So Whatcha Want?").I was hoping he'd choose that lame ass rap tune he was playing while plowing Pamela Anderson's tuna. "It's all good..."

















Btw, pre-season hockey starts one month from today...awwwwww yeah!

Stupid Spoiled Whore

...video playset, let everyone see your co-oo-ooch! I scored a 253 on only one cup of coffee. Stop Paris Hilton videos from reaching the public.
I attended the Eden, NY cornfest with McRite and Dookay, frootloops from the southtowns. It was a nice evening and definitely a bonus for people watching. Lots of pizza eatin'WNY types. For a festival that was supposed to feature homegrown corn, it felt more like a prelude to the Erie County Fair with all of the greasy bloomin'onions, fried dough, and sugar waffles! I managed to find a canoli truck. Russ's Pastries from the west side of Buffalo, rule. Anyway, toothless wonders and carnies were well represented. The bigguns wandering the grounds made me feel svelte.

Buffalo NY Economics

I'm sorry to say I missed Buffalo & Erie County Public Library's Board meeting and public hearing on Thursday. Thankfully, roving reporting Mike Rite from Channel Screw U was on the scene. He files this report...

"My favorite speaker was a black woman who said "a person with a house valued at $50k pays about $30 a year for the liberry. That's the cost of 2 large pizzas with 2 toppings."

The speaker failed to say if the price quoted is with or without a coupon from the Pennysaver. She also neglected to say whether or not a side order of chicken wings and a 2 liter of "pop" (pron. paaahp) is included. You've got to love Buffalo economic logic--putting things in terms that the obeast populace can understand.



The Library Board discussed its four year plan that will close 20 libraries and lay off about 100 workers. Libraries will see a 20% budget reduction for the rest of the year. Final plans will be revealed at the end of the month.

Today is my day off. I ran errands and had time to hit Wegmans aka Smegmans. It's a righteous supermarket from the Rochester, NY area. I t has all of the staples with an amazing selection of produce, deli, meats, and cheeses. There are a few gourmet supermarkets in the NYC area that are reminiscent of it but the prices down here are a lot better. That's why Buffalo peeps are so large and in charge. Anyway, I visited the West Seneca/South Buffalo location. As I wandered through the produce area, I spotted a rather goofy looking guy with reddish/gray hair and dork chic spectacles.
He had a rather empty headed smile and was cruising my hooters despite the fact that they were modestly displayed. Any woman around here who's under a 150lbs is considered anorexic and cruisable. I was a little curious because he was a bit unusual and he looked familiar. He looked very typically mick--gangly build,long arms, middle aged pot belly starting to form. (Btw, I'm one to judge as I'm of the mick persuasion.)
Well faith and begorrah, if it wasn't U.S. Congressman Brian Higgins! I wanted to get on his shit for a few recent votes e.g. the House bill on the Patriot Act and the Terri Schiavo business. But I didn't want to accost him in the lettuce section. His cousin cuts my hair so I'll find out what's the dilly with the Tommy Tutone hair. My second politician sighting in just over a week! Check out these comments on the Buffalo Beast blog regarding Higgins, very funny! Just scroll toward the bottom and read from "Let's move on to the world of politics..." (Special thanks to roving reporter Mike Rite for that link)

Back in the NY Groove

I spent a lovely three day week-end with funky fresh Paulie Paul and Pavs. I needed a breath of fresh air and a little culture. Mission accomplished. It's getting late and I have lots to do so here's the highlights. The Coco Chanel exhibit at the Met is winding down. It's worth seeing. Her work is truly timeless. Matisse: The Fabric of Dreams was very nice. An interesting marriage of art and textiles.

We took a field trip to Williamsburg, Brooklyn . We stopped at a gallery,Brooklyn Industries (hip clothing store), and a great bookstore. This kitty was cold chillin' near the postcards.

We strapped on our feedbag at several great places including my favorite cupcake shop, Magnolia. White cupcakes with blue frosting are to die for! We were on hand for the last night of Osno's, a Williamsburg restaurant with a Middle Eastern flavor. I had their last Morroccan beer, yum! That's about as close as I'm getting to Morrocco for the time being. Osno's is moving to a better location and should re-open shortly.

I found out from the boys that the monument at Washington Square Park was recently cleaned. It looked quite striking as you can see.



Look carefully for cheesy tourists at the bottom of the photo. If it's not already obvious, I'm giving my digital a workout. Props to my boy McRite for techie support.

Guess who was on my flight to NY? Ned Regan, former State Comptroller and Erie County Executive. He's been chosen to head the Erie County (out of) Control Board. Read why he scares me in my first story for WNY Media Network.

Just to be super obnoxious, here's a photo of my cat who totally rules!

Shul of Rock

I actually came across something useful and amusing in the Buffalo News. Of course it was a wire story. Anyway, the dreidel will rock, rock on!

Judas Priest

Hang on tight kids--this is a rough ride! While surfing one of my favorite blogs Veiled Conceit, I stumbled on an interesting theory. The VC blogger accuses John Roberts,the Supreme Court nominee, of being a Judas Priest fan and links to a video documentary that purportedly shows Roberts repping his fave metal band. I don't know if any of this true or just a weird coincidence. This film was made in 1986 in the Washington, DC area. It is a complete scream. The cheezy fashions and hair don'ts are priceless. If you grew up in the 80's, it's a must-see trip down memory lane. I attended an anonymous high school in Cheektowaga, NY and it was all for the heavy metal. God help you if you liked anything else. I dabbled in all kinds of music but was down with new wave by the end of my high school career. Anyway, two guys who I graduated with were hardcore Judas Priest fans. I thought of them and laughed after lead singer Rob Halford publicly acknowledged that he is gay. Something tells me they've renounced him. I applauded him. Mad props to my high school partner in crime and MR, heavy metal frootloop from the Southtowns!
John G. Roberts was born in Buffalo, NY. His father was employed as an executive by Bethlehem Steel and had the good sense to bolt before things got rough for the rank and file in the '70's.

Geography Lesson

One of my biggest complaints is that Americans (especially my fellow Bahfalonians) have little understanding of global issues. It's probably because they don't know where things are. I stumbled on this link and tested my knowledge of European geography. I got 28/45 correct or about 62% with an average error of 151 miles. I did this test in 8.5 minutes. Not the greatest score but the software isn't exactly forgiving. I had an itch on my mousing knuckle and accidentally put Germany in the wrong spot. Consequently, I lost points. Granted, after awhile it's a process of elimination but nonetheless it was eyeopening. I need to get down with some geography. It's a cool site that has lots of other games. Check it out.

2 @ Your Library

Locally, the Buffalo & Erie County Public Library Board of Trustees unveiled its tentative closure/consolidation plan. No surprise considering the fiscal mess the County is in. For now, I'll address local media coverage of this issue.



I don't watch much local TV news. The reason being is that their coverage is so poor. Local print and radio isn't much better but at least I'm spared the visual hairspray and eyeshadow presentation from local himbos and bimbos. Nonetheless, WGRZ-TV provides aggressive coverage of Erie County's budget crisis. They've done some commendable work but they've gone overboard with their cheesy "redcoat brigade". A few months ago I was crossing the street on Delaware Ave. not far from the TV station. Outside stood several of their "investigative" reporters all decked out in these bright red coats with the lastest edition of their logo. They were getting ready for a "live shot" and the costumes seemed to say, "We wear red coats, we're working hard and we're guarding the taxpayers' rights." Whatever. Just report the bloody story instead of looking like you're ready for the Mickey Mouse club roll call. The other stupid move they've made is their "Taxpayers Weblog". Puh-leeeze, it's a bulletin board. Stop abusing terminology in an effort to make your station look technologically hip and to make your viewers/online visitors feel like they're cutting edge. It is a bulletin board not a blog. There is an inherent difference between the two. Here's the definition of a blog from Webopedia:

(n.) Short for Web log, a blog is a Web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal for an individual. Typically updated daily, blogs often reflect the personality of the author.


Compare that to Webopedia's definition for a bulletin board system:

An electronic message center. Most bulletin boards serve specific interest groups. They allow you to dial in with a modem, review messages left by others, and leave your own message if you want...

After reviewing the "Taxpayer Weblog" link, which term do you think is correct? Multiple authors contribute to a space that serves a specific interest group--Erie County taxpayers. Smells like a bulletin board to me.

It's just a place for the ignorant peeps to vent. Check out this piece of retarded wisdom from Tony in Lakeview:

"Library closing a step in the right direction. The tax saving is great. If there is anyone in the within a certain distance of a library named for closing flag his tax record on the computer. Give them a exclusive access to that library and tax only them for that library."

Hey Tony, first off learn how to write. Secondly, "exclusive access" and "public library" are oxymoronic terms. Why don't you just send people to a bookstore? It's publicly available but unlike a public library, only those who can afford to buy items can leave with books, etc. Maybe students can prepare their school reports or study for exams in the aisles of Barnes and Noble.

Whatever happened to providing intellectual resources for the public good?

Are We Not Men?

T-I-V-O! Commerical saturation and the DVR's fastforward capabilities are making advertising agencies have strokes according to this article. How long will it be before someone messes with the technology so we're forced to sit through commericals?

The NHL has a tentative contract that needs ratificiation from both sides. That should happen next week. Then it'll be back to my regularly scheduled throwdowns on ice!

A Day at the Laundromat

Holy trailer park Batman! I had to go to the laundromat this morning. The dryer in my building is "broke" as the sign says. It's evident the property managers are English majors. Anyway...It's been that way for a few days. I could've used a machine in another building but to be honest with you, I'm tired of feeding "the man" my dough for lame ass tenant service. I really resent schlepping my stuff from building to building and paying for the privilege. So I hauled my styx to the laundromat, which is a 5 minute drive from my place. I live in a well-to-do lily white community so you can imagine what dregs of the universe hang at the 'mat. As I cased the joint, I spotted a trailer mom, complete with a tatoo on her calf. She was smoking outside and accompanied by her young daughter. Can anyone say "Brandine"?



I ventured inside and was greeted by a few scaggy eyed Kirk Van Houten types--you know the kind, single or divorced, sorry assed dudes who probably have alcohol, financial, and other sundried problems that you want nothing to do with. Of course I caught the eye of a least a couple of them despite my efforts to be aloof and disguise myself with sunglasses. The machines were the same price as the ones in my building but the capacity seemed a bit larger. Hmmm...I wonder if this was a misperception on my part or if I confirmed that the landlord is trying to make tenants do more loads for profitability's sake. I loaded the machines and bolted. There was no way I was parking my dupa there for the long haul as the atmosphere was rather demoralizing and depressing. The skeevy dudes didn't make things any better. On the upside, I didn't give extra money to my cheap ass landlords. Laundry is a built-in scam in this complex. Also, I saved a little scratch but not when you factor in the cost of gas.
Overall, this experience just solidifies my need to invest in some real estate so I can do my laundry with a sense of privacy/dignity and not worry about having enough quarters to take care of biz. You see, the management provides washers/dryers but no change machines. Assholes.

Cloggers

What can I say? Guilty on some counts and this dude is beyond funny...

London Calling...

I'm so sorry that Londoners are a part of the terrorism daisy chain. I'm sure some of this has to do with the fact that they're standing by this country in the quest for oil. As you know, I'm on vacation this week so I started off by checking the BBC's online feed. I was able to listen to a live press conference but not wanting to spend all day on the computer, I opted for local radio coverage. Rahspeck as Ali G would say, to WBFO, which stuck with the NPR feed until noon. WNED-AM gets big ups for airing the BBC World Service for a good part of the mid-day. WBEN-AM can suck it for sticking with Rush Limbaugh rather than interrupt his drivel with a network news feed. Since hasbeen pop stars who sleep with children weren't involved, then it couldn't be a real story. Anyway, what used to be a respected news source is nothing but FOX News Radio lite. I couldn't get over how uninformed the morning team seemed to be. A major international story goes down 2 hours prior to their shift and they were very lackadaisical about it.They relied on the network to cover them and prattled on about local bullshit that paled in comparison to today's events. Hence no hot linky for those bolsos del douche.
Here's my question--London is heavy on security candid cameras--where were they when this happened?
The U.S. Navy band played God Save the Queen outside of the British Embassy in Washington. That was only fitting.

Design of Dissent

I love vacation. You actually have time to rock out, take care of biz, and relax. I worked the TiVO (are we not men? T-I-V-O) last night and watched PBS's NOW. What a great show, even without Bill Moyers. David Brancaccio featured Milton Glaser and his Design of Dissent exhibit at the School of the Visual Arts in Chelsea. Unfortunately, this brilliant display of subversive advertising may have already closed. I hope not, it deserves to be seen. If you haven't seen this show, try to catch it online. Milton Glaser is a genius.
I can't believe the Corporation for Public Broadcasting would even try to deny PBS funding. Thankfully, pressure from the peeps put at least a temporary stop to that.

Time off

Photo courtesy of Mike Rite

I'm waiting for my floor to dry--I know, what a way to spend vacation--when I came across this blogged gem. A fun entry that I'm sure was adapted from e-mail about another locality. A lot of truisms in it, nonetheless. I loved the South Buffalo and Lexington Co-op Barbie descriptions.
Tom Cruise, he's so dreamy...bwahaahaaa!

Happy 4th of July!

While waiting for my water to boil for a righteous cup of joe, I read today's Dear Abby online. She discussed what should be done if a U.S. flag is no longer in good condition. As my girl scout cousin told me years ago, one is supposed to burn the flag if it is poor condition or if it has touched the ground. How ironic. The former is confirmed by the elaborate Ceremony for the Disposal of Unserviceable Flags conducted by the American Legion. Congress passed House Joint Resolution 10 which calls for an amendment to the Constitution authorizing Congress to prohibit the physical desecration of the U.S. flag. Click here to see how your Congressman voted. Mine is a douchebag as he voted in favor of this bullshit. Congress can't get over the fact that the U.S. Supreme Court overturned Texas court decisions in 1989 and 1990 essentially saying that expessive 1st amendment behavior trumps State flag desecration laws.
In these oppressive times, our country needs first ammendment protections. A viewpoint may be unpopular but peoople should have the right to express themselves. Back in the day, myself and lefty pal Fry attended a College Music Journal conference and we had the privilege of meeting plaintiff Gregory Lee "Joey" Johnson from Texas v Johnson (1989). We congratulated him and shook his hand. Unbeknownst to me until now, famed civil rights attorney William Kunstler represented him--how cool was that? Anyway, on this Independence Day, I feel as American citizens we should be able to have an independent state of mind. Tomorrow, give your Senator a call and urge them not to cooperate with the redneck mentality and the threat it poses to the 1st amendment.

Happy Anniversary!

Yes, it's been one year since I've started writing this occasional blog. While it's not widely read, I know some of my peeps read it, shouts out to you! As a special treat, here's a link to Henry Rollins rant from a few months ago. He rightfully criticized the mainstream media because they cover infotainment but they don't cover things like oh, I don't know, the fact that we're still in Iraq after "Mission Accomplshed". Click on this link and choose "Pop Cult"

Michael Jackson

Okay so I'm a little late chiming in on this but...MJ found not guilty on all counts. Not because the jury thought he was innocent but because legally they can't pin anything on him and they don't like the alleged victim's mother.
A few observations...Michael, do as your attorney has promised and step away from the little boys. I realize the freak has issues but he has to be mentally retarded if he doesn't understand that little boys and adults shouldn't sleep together. Not only is it a cultural taboo but considering your wealth, it's akin to painting a bullseye on your back and begging to be sued. Join NAMBLA, it's a lot easier and a little more honest. Victim's mother...you're a skanky piece of white trash. What sane person allows their child to sleep with a grown man just because he's a celebrity and has money? Shame on you, you scummy pig. People who wasted their lives and maxed out their credit cards--imagine all of the good things you could've done had you donated your free time to charity? It's over. MJ doesn't care about you. Go home and get a life.
All that being said, could we get back to our regularly scheduled program? There's a war going on, remember?

Jack Mehoffer

Buffalo along with several large cities has fallen victim to the "Jack" format. Ugh! Another cheesy gimmick created to try and retain the few music radio listeners that are left. As someone who has worked for the medium, let me congratulate the despardoes that instituted this piece of crap. It's an attempt to mimick people's Ipods by playing seemingly random music. A station ID is dropped in periodically to reflect some faux snarky attitude. Give it a rest. How stupid do these programmers think we are?! People are seeking the refuge of their Ipods, CD's, or Internet radio for a reason. I'm a female who is over 30 but I'm not ready for a steady diet of "vagina rock" (thanks Fry for this term, which refers to Sara McLaughlin, Tori Amos, etc.). I'm in a desirable marketing demographic but unlike most women my age, I'm not a soccer mom who has lost my youth. I listen to everything from rap to classical to punk rock to jazz and I'm always looking for cool new electronica. I think Jack is dedicated to dudes 18-34 but they're into mook tunes not re-packaged 80's music (e.g. "Let's Hear for the Boy" Denice Williams aaaaagh!!!). I can't wait to see how they'll make this piece of shit float. It's audiovisual time... Just Jack Mehoffer!

Buffalo/Western New York Dictionary

In honor of my pals who are driven crazy by the way people say things around here, the beginnings of dictionary dedicated to slang and mispronunciations perpatrated by residents of Buffalo and Western New York. I often have to ask people to repeat themselves because they have a serious "flat a" accent and lack ennunciation skils. Feel free to add on in the comments section...

Bahflo (Bah-flo): Common way of identifying the City of Buffalo, which is situated in the western end of New York state along Lake Erie.

Dere (Dare): Polish influence has some peeps pronouncing "there" as "dere".

Ennernet (Ehnner-net): Faux techies mean "Internet".

Kinna (ki-na): Equivalent of "kind of".

Ohmygad (o-mi-gahd): Shows off "flat a" sound while expressing dismay and/or disgust at particular situation. Normal English speakers know this as "oh my God".

Prolly (Prah-lee): Quick way of agreeing with another's statement. It's supposed to be "probably".

'puter (pu-ter): Short form of computer.


Sometines (Some-tines): It's supposed be "sometimes" but not around here.

Internet Abyss

It's almost the end of the month and I just realized that I haven't blogged. The most exciting thing that I've done is hit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland with Mike Rite and Fry. Full report at a later date as I don't want to fall into the abyss known as the Internet. Once I start surfing, I don't stop and I need to if I'm going to get anything accomplished before I sleep.

Have a Nice Day!

I know, I wrote in a previous post that I'd stay the hell away from Flops Communist Stupid Markets but what can I say? It's near my place.
I was driving through the parking lot when a silver SUV started backing out. I lightly tapped my horn. The SUV kept creeping out. I tapped my horn again. Still, it kept creeping out. I beeped, yet again and it kept coming. I'm sick and tired of these gas guzzling dick wipes who think they own the world because they have a vehicle that's as big as their ass. Typically these folks think that if they just keep backing out, you'll acquiesce and let them out. Not this time. I hit the gas and the horn and drove behind the offending SUV. I pulled into my spot. I intentionally park far from the door (unless it's freezing cold or rainy) so I can get some exercise unlike most slovenly peeps. The SUV driver looked in my direction as he manuevered out of his spot. I thought to myself, "bring it on motherfucker!" I was ready and I certainly wasn't going to be a pussy and hide in the car. I got out and walked toward the vehicle. The window unrolled and this yuppie cock looked at me with his best phony smile and said, "excuse me?" He thought that he'd have some fun with a typical, angry and probably hysterical female on the verge of a meltdown. I looked at him with my best fake customer service smile and said, "have a nice day, sir!" That's my standard euphimism for "fuck you" when some gives me a hard time at work and I can't really say what I think. Most of the time, I sincerely mean that phrase because most patrons are very nice. But I do reserve it for troublemakers. He replied, "you too, mam!", which made me wonder if he understood the true meaning of my nicety or was he stunned that I didn't blow up? He used "mam", which I find annoying because it has an elderly connotation to it. So I threw in a Saturday Night Live Total Bastard Airlines skit "Buh-bye" with all of the saccharine I could muster. Total douchebag!

Runaway Bride

With all of the real problems in the world it was no surprise that the mainstream media focused on another potential suburban-white-woman-killed-by-her-significant other story a la Laci Peterson. You must have heard about a Georgia bride-to-be who disappeared this week while out for a jog. Authorities,friends, and family were thrown into a tizzy searching everywhere while her fiance had to get lawyered up and take a private lie detector test, which he passed. Turns out she kicked it Greyhound style and when she contacted her family she tried to make up a story about "abductors" feeling the heat from media and letting her go. Within a half-hour that devolved into I had a freak out and needed time alone. Well, no shit! You only invited 600 people to witness your vows and the wedding party only added up to 28 attendants. I don't know if she had flower girls, ring bearers, or scripture readers. Were you having a wedding or a circus?! So many peeps are wrapped up in the show and don't think about the marriage. The reason for the wedding. I would love to know how much cash they wasted on a humungous wedding that was cancelled. Had she only known that New Mexico authorities would have provided this costume free of charge.

Light Rash

I was doing some searching around on Amazon for books when I stumbled on this redneck mess. Check it out--uninformed opinions loaded with misspellings. I wonder if this loser keeps a Klan robe handy, just in case he gets the urge...

Snow Sucks!!

Okay, it's April 3 and it's snowing like a mofo. Yes, I know, I live in Buffalo but what the hell is going on? It was 50 something degrees last week!! I hung out with Fry and Paulie Paul who did a brief "hit and forgit" trip back home. We had a really nice meal at Brodo on Elmwood Ave. It's a soup and wine bar with a very nice, cozy atmosphere. I like my description better than the one that I've linked to but I stumbled upon this Yenta Web site and I couldn't resist...Anyway, I had a bowl of cream of broccoli soup and a panini with applewood bacon, slices of apple, and NYS cheddar cheese. Yum! We had a tasty chianti too. Paul and I did some visiting--one of my work peeps had a birthday party so we stopped in for a quick drink and to say hello. He hosts a local cable show and ambushed me for a guest spot, ugh! I never felt comfortable in front of a camera--I'm much better either behind the scenes or behind a microphone. I'm too self-conscious for TV. Anyway we ended up at the Crocodile Bar on the "Chippewa Strip"--holy frat people Batman! I felt like I was a guest on the Fraternity/Sorority Life franchise from MTV. Nonetheless, we made the best of it. It's always good to see my homeboy!

Guess Who Fuckin' Cares?!

A few days ago, I was trolling the Internet for movie information when I stumbled on the fact that Ashton Kutcher of Demi Moore, Punk'd, and That 70's Show fame is starring in a new movie with Bernie Mac. It's called Guess Who"a new comedy loosely based on the classic Sidney Poitier and Spencer Tracy film, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner." according to large and in-charge Okra Winfrey. Holy shit, she's such a douche! Wait a second, I can't decide who's the bigger feminine hygiene product, her for promoting it or Kutcher and Mac for agreeing to be in it! It's playing to mixed reviews and I shouldn't be so judgemental considering that I haven't seen but good God...Why would anyone even think about trying to re-create that movie? Seriously. It was Hep and Tracy's last film. It made serious commentary about race relations at a time when tensions were beyond heightened. The poignant speech made by Tracy's character toward the end of the film was ad-libbed! The dude was such a great actor that he spoke from his heart rather than follow the script. And it worked! If I'm not mistaken, Hepburn put her salary up as backing for the film because Tracy was so ill they didn't think he'd survive the filming. This was an incredible movie and to even think of re-making it is disrespectful. It just goes to show you that Hollywood has nothing original going on. They constatntly dip into old ideas and even classic cartoons in hopes of making a buck. I leave you with the words of Henry Rollins (who's still hot even w/gray hair) who's film review show is worth watching...

"Meet the Fockers?! I don't want to meet the Fockers. Fuck the Fockers, okay? The buck stops with you. Stop showing up. You are the ultimate green light!"
Henry Rollins, March 11, 2005

Inside Deep Throat

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Tops Never Stops Ripping You Off

If you know anything about Bah-flo, NY, you know that overall we have decent supermarkets. We'd better as there are a lot of large and in-charge peeps who are scared of vegetables and down with chemicalized food to supplement their chicken wings (pronounced in Buffalo parlance as "checken wahngs") beef on weck (aka beef on "wick", love the flat a sound around here) and pizza fixes. Nonetheless, I digress. Tops was an Italian owned supermarket that had a good inventory which included decent produce and in-house bakery products. Sometime in the 1970's Wegmans Supermarkets from nearby Rochester, NY invaded the Buffalo/Western New York area and gave homegrown Tops (aka Flops) a run for its money. Smegmans succeeded especially in light of the fact that the original owners sold out to a Dutch concern (Royal Ahold aka Royal Assholes) that has been having some scandalous issues. Smegmans produce, deli, and inventory kick total ass next to Flops. The personnel that works at Wegmans is a lot friendlier than most of the surly kids that I run into.
Tops along with many other businesses are looking for ways to reduce their costs. Eliminating staff and turning you, yes you the customer, into your own chief cashier has been one of their goals. If I have a major order, I wait for the surly kids to schlep it. If not, I do it myself and get the hell out of that anti-Christ bohemoth. Why do I go there? As much as I love me some Smegmans, Smeg's isn't centrally located. Flops is right near my place. Anyway, I decided to become a Flops employee on my way home last night. I bought some tomato sauce, cream cheese, and shredded pizza cheese and did the self checkout. I was cleaning up my place and just found the receipt. At the bottom it said, "I'm glad you shopped here today. Your Cashier--Whitney" As Mrs. Broflovsky from South Park would say "Wha?Wha?What?" Whitney didn't do shitney as far as getting my order out the door! She may have been supervising the four self checkouts but she didn't do squat in assisting. That's a total insult--they want you to be free labor and then they have the balls to say some skank ho who I didn't even see performed a service. Wrong! I hate that store and will return to Smegs asap!!

WMA Syndrome

No, what I'm writing about hasn't been diagnosed as a bona fide disease that you need to fear catching. Just be afraid if you're exposed to it. "WMA Syndrome" is a phrase that I've coined due to something that I've noticed over the last few years. "WMA" stands for Wipe My Ass. It's name was partially inspired by an old college prof who taught literature courses with life discussions on the side. He marveled over how individuals can be so helpless. One day he went off on a rant and said in a patronizing way "...this is how you you wipe your ass..." and made the hand/butt motion. It made me laugh and stuck with me. Anyway, now that I'm a real grown-up I get what Marv was trying to say. Here's how it works in my line of work reference librarian in a public facility. I am a public servant who is committed to assist our patrons in every way possible. Public libraries are one of the last institutions where everyone is treated equally and all that is required is to walk in and have a desire to learn. I take pride in helping people manuever in our catalog and databases. I enjoy teaching people how to fully take advantage of what their tax dollars pay for. What I don't enjoy is wiping their asses. Unfortunately, the consumer mentality is becoming entirely too pervasive. Examples of this include people who are looking for information about an involved topic and expect to find it neatly packaged and ready for them to grab off the shelf. Complex research isn't like shopping for a new outfit. It takes time and work on the part of the individual. Why is it that someone's expiring parking meter or typical "it's due tomorrow" deadline have to become my problem? Why do people feel that free computer use and Internet access means that a public library has turned into Kinko's/computer lab? You wouldn't believe how many people try to turn you into their lackey because they're unwilling to learn how to do something. God forbid you suggest that they look at books on using Microsoft Word. The library provides the tools, the user provides the expertise. Unfortunately, we can't spend intensive time teaching. It used to be easier when we could tell the public about free computer courses that the library offered. Due to Erie County's budget problems, those classes are no longer being held.
I just wish the peeps would take responsibility for themselves. I have enough to worry about.

Michael Jackson

All I want to know is when the trial is over, how about the kid's parents are charged and tried for allowing their child to sleep with a grown man? His parents are no better than the accused. To be fair and balanced, I'll let Michael tell his side of the story, please turn your audio on...

She's out on bail and out of jail and that's the way it goes...

Cane. Sugar. (insert bassline here)It's all for Grandmaster Flash & the Furious 5 and Melle Mel! If you haven't fingered it out yet, I'm talking aobut former Bahflonian Mothra Stewart. That's right, more shocking than her jail sentence is the fact that she started out in Buffalo, NY. The City's East side is where she lived until she was whisked away to an even better place...New Jersey. The East side is home to the old skool Polish community and Sister squirrelfriend is down with pierogies, da Broadway Market dere hey, and she's even had Vidler's 5 & 10 on her show. Now that I almost totally outted her--I would've included her Polish maiden name but I don't know it and I couldn't spell it if I did. Although she did commit a crime and lied about it, how about the Enrons and Halliburtons of this world? They made a big deal out of her and for that matter the Rigases who had shady dealings in Adelphia Cable but you didn't see the media circus around those friendly to the Bush folks (Enron, Halliburton, etc.). Despite her wrongdoing, I think the Bushies used her to divert attention from their friends. Her payoff is the lucrative deals that come from the notoriety and the public relations spin that kept her in the public eye when she was in the clink. Now Deborah Norville plans on discussing Martha's post-jail life by broadcasting her CNN morning show live from her Wrong Island, NY home on Monday. I think it's on in the a.m.--I don't have time to watch that crap when I'm hauling pussoir to work--Ugh! Let's hope Norville will do a segment on how she performs feminine hygiene chores with her ankle bracelet on.
While I'm on the subject of jailed corporate crooks, I found it rather funny that the announcement of Adelphia Cable becoming the first cable company to air triple X films on pay-per-view and it's subsequent decision not to do so, arrived to little fanfare. John Rigas, a staunch republican, dropped the "Spice" network five years ago because he found it offensive. The recent decision to be porn "pioneers" was due to the earnings potential of pay-per-view and video-on-demand and public demand. An Adelphia spokesperson said, "People want it, so we are trying to provide it. The more Xs, the more popular." They quickly abandoned this effort when the religious nutters chimed in against it. Adelphia was afraid they'd tarnish the already bankrupt company's image as it hits the selling block. Tarnished image=low profits. Nonetheless, I was tempted to write the local news rag and say that I'm not offended by porn and as an adult I choose for the most part not to watch it (cheezy and free Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee videos aside--thanks Paulie). What offends me is corporate heads who raid company funds to supplement their lavish lifestyles with the expectation that the stockholders pay for the bail-out. Rigas is a self-righteous douchebag.
Speaking of douches, here's a great article on Erie County government and how badly they mangled the budget situation.

Fear and Loathing

The literary world lost a major contributor in the death of Hunter S. Thompson. Although I was on vacation from work last week, I was up really early and saw the news online. It was such a bummer. Years ago I read Hells Angels and enjoyed his adventures. I decided to try Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and laughed so hard that I nearly wet my pants. That book truly won me over. I was glad that other cool media outlets gave him props. The Daily Show played a video blurb along with his name and years while Democracy Now's Amy Goodman paid tribute. I've always wanted to read Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail because I feel that's an era of history that I know very little about and who's a better guide than HST? I'm going to read it with an appreciation that I wouldn't had previously. HST studied the death of Ernest Hemingway. I wish he hadn't been such a good student...

TGIF!

Even though I have to work tomorrow...It's been a busy bunch of days. Just last week-end I was in NYC visiting my pal Paulie and his partner Pavs. I arrived in time for dinner on Thursday. We went to the Le Singe Verte where I strapped on a pms feedbag of steak and frites--delish! Paul had me try an escargot which was done in butter and garlic. Interesting, don't know if could do a full order of those on my own. Right after we sat down, Ted Allen ,the food dude,from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy wandered in with some butchy looking chick and some other dude. My second QE sighting (We saw Carson on 8th Ave. near the London Pharmacy). Paul assured me that if Ted was down with Le Singe, it was all good. True,true. I tried not to stare and be too much of a tourista. Friday we headed off to the box office at the Golden Theatre because I've been wanting to see Avenue Q for about a year. Ever since it won the Tony, it's been popular. I checked tix availability online but no dice. We found two seats in row O for the Friday night performance at the box office. What a great show!!! It's irreverent, snarky, and just plain fun. Truisms for all ages even though it is targeted to the 20-30 something set. The show we caught had two understudies Angela Ai as Christmas Eve and Carmen Ruby Floyd as Gary Coleman. I recently listened to the soundtrack, which was nominated for a best musical Grammy, and I must say that by comparison, the understudies did a bang-up job. Carmen Ruby Floyd (on the left in the link) is a Niagara University graduate--go on with your bad self! Paul and I took in MoMA after the long awaited remodeling. The extra room is beneficial to the works and the patrons. On Saturday we set our sights on trying a deep fried twinkie. A Brooklyn restaurant, The Chip Shop, is credited with starting the craze. They also serve deep fried MARS bars and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. To quote Paulie, the Reeses were the "money shot". Deep fried batter with melty good chocolate and peanut butter. My advice is to bypass the traditional English fare and head straight for dessert. The savory grub is good but dessert is the real deal. As if that weren't enough, we decided to head down to Hudson Street for Jacques Torres's Chocolate Haven where the hot chocolate is to die for. I had the traditional while Paul had the wicked hot chocolate. It has ground sweet ancho chili peppers and smoked ground chipolte chili peppers in addition to allspice and cinammon. It had just enough of a kick. Both flavors were like drinking chocolate pudding. Yum! Later that evening we hung out with our old friend Sean Rite and had Chinese food and some lovely wine. It's always fun hanging with former Bahflo peeps. I decided to use the subway to get into and out of Manhattan because cab fare is $50+--wrong! No problems getting there but now I sympathize with the natives after running into train schedule drama. I didn't notice the signs and the announcements were muffled enough so I couldn't hear that the E train wasn't heading straight for Jamaica station (where you catch the Air Train to Kennedy). All of the sudden, I found myself on a rather empty train heading for 169th St. in Queens. Luckily, an astute native alerted me to this and between the two of us we figured out how to get on the right track, literally.
It's good to be back but work life has been crazier than ever, as they say in Avenue Q "It sucks to be me!"

Lazy Boy TV

I have a lot to accomplish today so I won't wax poetic but check this out. It's heavy food for thought...

Pants Crappingly Scary

To steal a line from the Daily Show... This sums up what went down in southeast Asia following the earthquake and tsunami in December. I was deeply concerned especially after visiting Thailand in November. Koh Samui is a beautiful island and its inhabitants are just as lovely. As soon as I heard the news, my thoughts were with the nice people I had met. While I was there, one of the workers mentioned the monsoon season and how rough it could be. Obviously the tsunami had that beat. The blogger community response to this event has been huge. Bloggers posted information and photos of the missing. They also publicized a number of charities that were taking donations. I hope the money is actually getting to the people instead of the pockets of government officials. I think the Red Cross, the East Timor Action Network (Aceh is seriously hurting--especially with the questionable human rights practices prior to the tsunami), and Doctors Without Borders are solid organizations to give money to.
I'm heading off to work so I can't comment fully but suffice to say that I was amazed that FOX News didn't cover this story when it first broke. Pundits prattled on over their typical targets while the world fell apart. Perhaps they didn't care because it didn't happen on U.S. soil and many of those effected were of a different color?