Fun with Jackson Pollock

Remember that "Stumble" feature I told you about on the Foxfire browser? I found the coolest Web page--it allows you to paint like Jackson Pollock! Hold the alcohol fueled tantrums.

Quote of the week comes from Riley Martin who I listened to last night while indulging in the product, "Targzissians are obviously reptilians." Stern and Martin are so much funnier when under the influence.

Puck-ding!

Baaahflo native Ani DiFranco is in a fambly way--she announced the news at a NOW convention. Work it out, child, no pun intented.

Parking Lot Drama

So I dropped into Flops Communist Stupid Markets to get a few quick items to tide me over until I can properly get my shop on at Smegmans (loves me some smegs). I grabbed a couple of pasta salads that didn't look too repulsive and some strawberries that are on sale. I paid for them in the express lane where an ignorant smell phone user was utilizing every extra free minute on his smellular plan during the transaction. Although annoying it was no big deal.

I left and traipsed through the parking lot. As I've said many times before, I intentionally park further out because I don't like clusterfucks. I was walking through when a car backed out slowly. The driver was looking to her right but not to her left--where I walking. She continued pulling out not looking. If I hadn't paid attention, she would've hit me. I walked around the front of her car as she continued pulling out and said rather loudly into her open window, "You should look before you drive." Of course, I knew she'd have to get her 10 cents in so I was prepared. She drove by and in her best passive/agressive Baaaahflo way she said, "I did look." Rather than engage her and point out what she did wrong just to hear her tires squeal, I snarled, "Lick me!" and kept walking. I've been so well-behaved lately that I must've had a Pink Floyd "Momentary Lapse of Reason". I wasn't proud or humored by my reaction. I was just so frustrated by her actions. I realized that this broad was trapped in a sea of SUV's and probably couldn't see very well. But on the other hand, you can't see well if you don't actually *look* before you leap!!

So in honor of this half-witted Baaaaflonian schluburbanite, here's some Crystal Myth clues:

1. Park far away from the store. Lots of stuff to schlep to your car? Use a cart. Raining? As my grandma used to say, "You won't melt". Parking further away necessitates walking. Walking= exercise. The good folks in Pueblo, Colorado have more tips.
2. Pull into a spot so you don't have to back out. This sometimes takes some manuevering but it's well worth it. You don't have to worry about potentially hitting somebody or something because your vehicle is in an awkward position.
3. Instead of seeing people as people, think of them as "baloney sandwiches". Thanks to Harry Ballicker's wisdom when we were kids, those keywords keep me focused. If you hit and injure or kill someone, by the time their "estate" is done with you, you'll be eating baloney on white into eternity. Better to be safe than sorry and look before you drive, biznitch!


Class de-smissed!

Knarly!

Eeeew!! BJ is so not down...just icky!

Suspect

Use caution if you encounter this buck toofed hillybilly. He may be accompanied by this woman:

She has been known to smoke Lark cigarettes and have several children fathered by three different rednecks nipping at her heels.

Isn't it funny that even in the animated world of the Simpsons there are symbols of ill mannered, skeevy trailer park peeps? Thanks to white trash drama courtesy of the asshole(s) who robbed me,I wasted 1.5 hours reporting the fraud to the bank and the police. I will have any money in my account reimbursed. I had to get new digits and accoutrement. I'm sure the losers won't be caught. There's a remote chance if they bought one of those disposable phones at the Verizon Wireless store but I doubt it. All in all it could've been a lot worse. Lessons pertaining to vigilance duly noted.

I Wuz Robbed!

Holy hoodwinked Batman! Home Squirrel got rolled!!! I returned home just before 7 pm and hit the mailbox. I sorted through its contents and found a rather thin statement from my bank. I wondered what was up. It didn't feel like a regular statement, it felt like a fee for some transgression. I opened the envelope and found a grand total that was out of character for my normal banking habits. The amounts listed were numbers that I didn't recognize and I was charged several overdraft fees. I began heating up a veggie burger and sat down at the computer to access my account. I clicked on the largest amount and much to my horror, I found a check with a man's name on it but my routing and account numbers. The check was issued to an out-of-state bank. In the meantime, I had my bank on the blower. I went through automated message hell as I panicked realizing that either a major mistake happened or I was the victim of fraud. They didn't put the fraud hotline number on their message until the very end. How stupid! Nonetheless, I called the number and tried to calmly explain what was going on. As I waited for the customer service rep, I scrolled through the other transactions. Apparently, the douchebag(s) went to several grocery stores, a Verizon Wireless outlet, and motherfuckin' Walmart and either used my digits to get cash or buy things. They also went to something called Sheetz. Call me a stereotyper but from the looks of the Web site, I'm dealing with some serious cracker trash. Furthermore, I learned through my own search that the bank named on the fradulent checks merged with another nearly five years ago. A "hard hold" has been placed on my account. On Monday I'll have to sign an affidavit of forgery. I don't know how this works but I hope that they'll return any money that I lost. All I know is they can take their overdraft charges and shove them up their ass if they even attempt to collect. I don't think they will. I had only one outstanding check and I contacted that person and told them what happened. But I feel like I've been invaded. I need to change all account numbers associated with the bank. My feeling is that either their database was compromised by design flaw or an employee was handing out live account numbers to someone who was slapping them on checks from a defunct bank. Anyway, I'm not sure if I need to do fraud alerts with the creditors or what? Do they have other info on me or just that? Weigh in if you're experienced. I never checked my account everyday. I'd check it often but now that this has happened, you can bet I'll make that part of my routine. If I had done so, I would've caught this a lot sooner.

Representin'

Got my fins out of bed around at 8 and drove my styx to the gym (aka Sally Maxi Pad--part of national chain with two skankalicous locations in the Baaahflo area). As I strolled in, I saw my Congressman, Brian Higgins, working my favorite back machine. For a paper pusher, he's in pretty decent shape although he ought to tone down the chest muscles as they're a bit disproportionate to his overall physique. Anyhoo, last night I met up with Mike Rite and Doo-kay to see An Inconvenient Truth. Al Gore's attempt to school the S.U.V. driving masses that global warming ain't no bullshit. I wasn't sure if I'd like Gore's presentation but I did. When he campaigned for President, his speech delivery was very Reverend Lovejoy from the Simpsons. Because he doesn't have much to lose and seemingly knows his subject well, it was an enjoyable presentation. He got his barbs in but more importantly he made succinct points with well-chosen visuals to show how we're harming the environment. I don't think it will win best documenatry but I'll bet it will be nominated by the Academy. Back to my Congressman...I didn't want to bother him with a number of issues that I could've yammered on about e.g. the Patriot Act, Net Neutrality, rubbery flubbery out of shape Buffalonians, etc. I decided to recommend the Gore film to him but only if the opportunity presented itself. There' s nothing worse than looking like an attention starved local yokel. I finished the treadmill and I was getting supplies to wipe it down when he approached. Higgins just came off the "Butt Buster" (yes, it exists. the trademark was abandoned 10 years ago. the documentation includes this disclaimer: NO CLAIM IS MADE TO THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHT TO USE "BUTT" APART FROM THE (trade) MARK AS SHOWN, i.e. butt buster) and was catching his breath.

I took off my I-Pad earpieces and said, "I won't bother you while you're not working but have you seenthe movie An Inconvenient Truth?" He puffed at me, "No, I haven't." I smiled and gazed quickly at his lower torso--his feet were in the exit position. Knowing my time was limited I said, "Do so." He smiled back and said, "Thank you" and made a quick getaway. He was probably surprised that someone recognized him--locals don't pay much attention. He was probably more surprised that Baahflo peeps show up at the gym.

I know, the California photo essay is overdue, I'll get to it...