Funny Bflo Blog

Sick minds think alike...

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Bravo Mr. Olbermann!

After I told Fry that I finally saw the film "Good Night and Good Luck"she sent me the following. MessyNBC's Keith Olbermann takes dubbya to task on the signing of the Military Commission Act, last week. Click here for the video commentary. When you're done watching it, see how your Senator voted. Then check up on your Congressional representative. If the slimy douchebag voted for this, tell 'em to suck it at the voting booth (if they're running and the booth isn't rigged, thanks Diebold). To think that Congress is wasting time over a closeted gayRepublican pedophile.... They're investigating what they already know while voting our rights away. Nice.

Fighting over Food Stamps

Envy over government subsidies? The following was posted to a local TV station's WNY Storm board on Saturday. A run-on sentence, with spelling errors and without punctuation:

Poster: KIM

Subject: food stamps

I UNDERSTAND THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE WITH FOOD STAMPS LOST POWER AND FOOD BUT SO DID EVERY ONE I DONT THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AS MUCH PUT BACK ON THEIR BENIFIT CARDS I HEAR SOME PEOPLE SAYING HOW THEY NEVER LOST POWER AND THEY GOT THIS MONEY PUT ON THEIR CARDS NOW FOR MYSELF I WORK HARD FOR MY CHECK AND MY HUSBAND WORKS 2 JOBS AND WE LOST ALL OF OUR FOOD AND I HAVE 2 GIRLS AT HOME AND 3 STEP CHILDREN EVERY OTHER WEEK WE HAD TO CANCEL OUR VISITATION BECAUSE WE CANT FEED THEM IT JUST IS NOT FAIR TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WORK SO HARD AND LOST SO MUCH


How ghetto! Does she know the qualifying income levels in order to receive aid? Is 'gotten' a word? Five kids...got condoms? Notice that her rant centers on the family feedbag? It prolly includes lots of chips, drank, and Budweiser. She epitomizes the WNY mentality: worry about what others have, don't improve your station in life.

Siriusly Speaking

Okay, I'm over the storm. I tried listening to my favorite late-night "sleepless in Bahflo", radio talk show Coast to Coast AM only to find that WBEN was still in storm mode. Give me a break! Granted, the power outage and damage are major. However, what can be done about it in the middle of the night? Yes, the closing lists are long but you'll run them the morning. On the overnight, break in if/when needed and get back to our regularly scheduled programming. Because my walkman's radio reception was so poor during this storm event, I invested in a decent quality wind-up radio that also runs a light. If I lose power again, I can listen to more responsible programming and/or use the light to read by.

Thankfully, I'm a Sirius radio subscriber. I'll definitely re-up. My unit has a sleep timer for when I'm ready for bed and I'm extremely sick of local radio. My major reason for hooking up with Sirius was Howard Stern. When he's not on live, I delve into the hundreds of channels available. Although I've had it for 10 months, I don't think I've scratched the surface. Here's some of my musical favorites:

• The David Johansen Mansion of Fun (Fridays 3-9 pm EST) on Sirius Disorder, Ch. 24 I try not to miss this show--he plays any and everything, it's exceptional!
• Little Steven's Underground Garage, Channel 25. Who knew Bruce Springsteen protege and Sopranos cast member Steven Van Zant was so cool? A solid DJ line up provides great music.
• Boombox, Channel 34, cool electronica. This is where I first heard Rhymefest featuring Kanye West and "Brand New". Don't forget to make room for the S.O.V., Lady Sovereign that is!

I could keep going but it suffice it to say that local radio's purpose is to cover local news and serve as a conduit during an emergency. The latter is by default, most people don't have battery operated TV sets. If they did, the reception would be awful. Nonetheless, when I look for cool tunes and national/international news, I look to Sirius.

It's the End of the World as We Know it...

Some chump in Clarence, NY got worked in the Columbus Day '06 storm.

Yes, my power was restored. I lost it sometime during the overnight. I freaked a bit because I thought that I'd have to work and was worried about how I was going to get in. I was awake at 5:45 and tortured myself with listening to WBEN. The old time news station that is only useful when a weather event occurs. Unfortunately, they know that's their bread and butter so they resort to "chicken little" reporting to keep mental midgets entertained for hours. All I had was an old school walkman with a radio but its A.M. reception wasn't much. The commercial load was out of control. My employer wasn't mentioned during the 6:30 business closings, which made me worry. After hearing how bad my travel routes were, I began conjuring up reasonable excuses to use emergency personal leave so I wouldn't have to go in. During scenario number 3, the big boss called and told me to keep my styx at home. I stayed in bed because the heat wasn't working and I couldn't make coffee thanks to the cheap bastard landlords and their choice of electric over gas appliances.

I listened to some of the call-in action on WBEN and WNED-AM. Baaaahflo peeps are so funny. They love to bitch and moan and as Paulie Paul said, they enjoy a forum. I heard the goofy (requests that the power suppliers provide regular, real-time repair updates), the ridiculous (woman with infant and no formula, asked for help while boyfriend sits on his ass instead of walking to nearby stores), the sad (woman with nine kids and no food, adults work temp agency jobs and live hand-to-mouth), and the heartbreaking (vacationing pet owner's dog escaped from overnight kennel fire in Buffalo).

One particularly funny call was from an oldster in Sloan, aka Sloania the breakaway Republic of Cheektowaga, who was incensed with WNED-AM because they didn't mention one word about her little village. She declared that they have a Mayor and they're separate from Cheektowaga and went so far as to spell out her village's name (proof of mad skillz?). Please lady, it's an inbred enclave of a really bogus town. Get over yourself. According to the U.S. Census, it's 2.8 sq. mi. across. In 2000, it was 99.7 White, that's almost as pure as Ivory. Only 8 Black peeps were in da hizzy.

The power returned shortly after 1 p.m. I'm glad to know the contents of my freezer will be okay for the most part. I'm happy to have heat, light, and tv. You know that I'm not going near a store as the SUV slobs in search of pop, chips, and beer are wreaking havoc at the nearby Flops Communist Market.

Baaaahflo, WTF?

Loser gets ready for another shitty Baaaahflo winter.

From the National Weather Service...

THE BUFFALO AIRPORT HAD OFFICIALLY RECEIVED 3 INCHES OF SNOW THROUGH 8PM. THIS MAKES OCTOBER 12, 2006 THE THIRD SNOWIEST DAY IN OCTOBER IN 137 YEARS OF WEATHER RECORDS. SIX INCHES OF SNOW OCCURRED ON OCTOBER 13, 1909 AND AGAIN ON OCTOBER 31, 1917.

I've seen everything-- slush, sun, lightning,rain and hail all in one day. My lights are flickering so I'd better make this quick...I wore backless shoes and I did not have a snow brush in my car--I only had a window scaper. I no longer park in a covered lot in downtown Buffalo. I had to pull over on the I-190 to rid the turning mechanism of my windshield wipers of snow/sleet/ice so that they'd work properly. Despite the fact that I cleared it before I left the city. I didn't find any relief until I hit the southern portion of Eeeerie County. Incredible. Why do I live here?

The Puffer

I never had the chance to discuss the Transportation Safety Administration's latest terrorist prevention gizmo. I experienced this on my way to Los Angeles via the Buffalo Niagara International Airport. It was about 4:30 a.m. and myself and others were told to go through the recently installed "Puffer". My sensibilities were offended as it was so early in the morning and I had a roundtrip ticket but I cooperated otherwise I wouldn't be able to fly.
Stepping into the machine made me feel as if I were in a high-tech science fiction movie. It blew air up my skirt but not Marilyn Monroe style. Nonetheless, it gave me the willies as I felt very invaded. I looked down while it did its thing. Perhaps I was just too impatient but it seemed to be taking too long. I didn't want to look up because I didn't want it capturing images of me. Don'tcha know, as soon as I looked up within two seconds, the door opened. I'm sure that's been added to my permanent record card.

In light of the propaganda oriented event in London a couple of weeks ago, Buffalonians (along with other Americans) feel compelled to turn over their privacy to Big Brother in the name of "protection". Here's an excerpt of a letter from today's paper:

Real people and free people need to decide if it is more important to be inconvenienced by travel without liquids and gels or risk the lives of thousands. Much to the credit of Americans, they are being cooperative in light of developments in the United Kingdom. How will they behave a week from now? Or a month from now? Or, I hesitate to think, five years from now?
When will we wake up to the reality of this terrorist threat?

Look dude, this is probably another trumped up event just to make everyone capitulate to less privacy so that governmental entities can pick through your panties (literally). Think about it. They've banned liquids and gels, with the exception of medical items/devices so you can't remove your contacts if you need to or adjust your falsies if you're transgendered. But as so rightly put on today's Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me from NPR we can still bring laptops with exploding batteries aboard commercial flights. Give me a break!

Btw, if you wan't to see what's next on the agenda, click here. Read the CASPIAN press release here.

Literacy and Longing in Buffalo

A recent phone interaction with a patron left me so irritated. The caller said that she read a review of a book, something about literacy in L.A.. When asked if it was fiction, non-fiction she wasn't sure. She didn't know who the author was. No biggie, it happens all the time. The review recently appeared in the Buffalo News, "you know...nothing too obscure." I replied with a slight laugh that the News doesn't do obscure too well. Crickets. Irreverent comments not appreciated. Okay, I can deal with that. As I searched, the caller lamented over the difficulty of obtaining newer titles thanks to Erie County's financial mess. I sympathized with her as I identified the title. I checked the record in a database that would tell me if it was fiction or non-fiction. As I did so, she continued on about the lack of a streamlined process to help her request new titles.(If the Library doesn't own something, a request can't be issued until a record appears in the catalog.) Again, I empathized and explained how I would go about directing her request. It's a new title and reviewed locally. Although Literacy and Longing in L.A. looked like typical, cheesy chick lit, the genre has its readers and it's the Library's mission/responsibility to serve a variety of interests. Although I rarely do it because I'm usually rebuffed, she sounded like she might be amenable to a suggestion of calling her County Legislator to voice her concerns over the lack of library funding. I should have asked her to never again purchase or eat Bison Chip Dip. She practically screamed bloody murder as she told me that she's not a County or State worker and that she pays her taxes, there's too many libraries, and it doesn't affect me. I replied that it does affect her because she's not getting the materials that she wants!! I informed her that we need people to advocate for the Library. Who wouldn't want to advocate for the Library? (I don't think she understood what 'advocate' meant--especially in context to contacting a lawmaker) A lot of politicians give lip service to libraries but they don't want to put their money where their mouth is. Of course, I couldn't be that honest and not get called out for it so I said, "you'd be surprised". She really set me off when she said, "Well, I can go to Barnes and Noble...blah, blah, blah." Hey twat face! Guess what? A public library is a communal institution that is for the benefit of everyone. Barnes and Noble, while a decent chain bookstore, is only for the benefit of those who can afford it and the stockholders who own it. Ultimately it came down to the caller saying that contacting a politician wouldn't do any good. I said that it would. She disagreed so I said, "Let's agree to disagree." and left her with my euphimistic FUCK YOU of "have a nice day" said in a syrupy tone before I hung up.

Do not tie up my phone with "Wah, wah, wah, wah...." I offer a sensible solution of what amounted to "please voice your concern to those who are supposed to adequately fund a public library" and you go off on me as if I told you to get your head out of your ass (which is what I should have done).
What she didn't get is that there is strength in numbers. The library's funding took a serious hit and lawmakers need to know the consequences from the customers not the employees. I actually sympathize with the caller's feelings of powerlessness. However, it's better to register an opinion/complaint with those who can remedy a situation rather than those who've been victimized by it. Library employees have very little control over the amount of money received. Legislators and the County Executive decide on funding.
Anyway, it's better to go down fighting than to roll over and take it. At least you've had your say. I can only imagine if I would've asked that old snatch to *write* a letter...

Local Ghouling

I had the opportunity to check out the new Rick James headstone with Paulie Paul and Pavs who made a special guest star appearance in the B-lo this week-end. Unbeknownst to me, an article appeared in the Sunday Bahflo News detailing the work. It's made of granite from Vermont (my grandma's home state) and weighs two tons. It's in Forest Lawn Cemetery near the Delaware Ave "S" curves and the Scajaquada Expressway.
I didn't see the article until I returned home late on Sunday. I wondered how P&P music factory knew details. We visited on the second anniversary of his death. I would link to the article but the cheap prick known as Warren Buffet only allows ten days of free access to articles before he starts charging. If you're local, use your library card and try the "Custom Newspapers" database from the library's Web site.
On an unrelated matter, I hit Wegmans earlier today and grabbed some viddles. I was truly appalled when I stumbled upon Diabetic Living magazine at the checkout. A health problem has become so prevalent it's a "lifestyle"? Always looking to cash in, the subscription Web site describes Diabetic Living...

Diabetic Living magazine provides lifestyle information and recipes that diabetic readers of all ages can use everyday to lead normal, active lives. Content includes delicious recipes designed for diabetics, nutrition tips, exercise hints, health information, and the latest recommendations for diabetes care. The editorial mix is 65 percent recipes, 20 percent exercise, and 15 percent general health. Isn't it funny how the thing that brings many to a diabetes diagnosis is the focal point of the magazine? Too bad they don't have "Diabetes Prevention" magazine where useless eaters can get schooled on how not to drain the health care system.

Fun with Jackson Pollock

Remember that "Stumble" feature I told you about on the Foxfire browser? I found the coolest Web page--it allows you to paint like Jackson Pollock! Hold the alcohol fueled tantrums.

Quote of the week comes from Riley Martin who I listened to last night while indulging in the product, "Targzissians are obviously reptilians." Stern and Martin are so much funnier when under the influence.

Puck-ding!

Baaahflo native Ani DiFranco is in a fambly way--she announced the news at a NOW convention. Work it out, child, no pun intented.

Parking Lot Drama

So I dropped into Flops Communist Stupid Markets to get a few quick items to tide me over until I can properly get my shop on at Smegmans (loves me some smegs). I grabbed a couple of pasta salads that didn't look too repulsive and some strawberries that are on sale. I paid for them in the express lane where an ignorant smell phone user was utilizing every extra free minute on his smellular plan during the transaction. Although annoying it was no big deal.

I left and traipsed through the parking lot. As I've said many times before, I intentionally park further out because I don't like clusterfucks. I was walking through when a car backed out slowly. The driver was looking to her right but not to her left--where I walking. She continued pulling out not looking. If I hadn't paid attention, she would've hit me. I walked around the front of her car as she continued pulling out and said rather loudly into her open window, "You should look before you drive." Of course, I knew she'd have to get her 10 cents in so I was prepared. She drove by and in her best passive/agressive Baaaahflo way she said, "I did look." Rather than engage her and point out what she did wrong just to hear her tires squeal, I snarled, "Lick me!" and kept walking. I've been so well-behaved lately that I must've had a Pink Floyd "Momentary Lapse of Reason". I wasn't proud or humored by my reaction. I was just so frustrated by her actions. I realized that this broad was trapped in a sea of SUV's and probably couldn't see very well. But on the other hand, you can't see well if you don't actually *look* before you leap!!

So in honor of this half-witted Baaaaflonian schluburbanite, here's some Crystal Myth clues:

1. Park far away from the store. Lots of stuff to schlep to your car? Use a cart. Raining? As my grandma used to say, "You won't melt". Parking further away necessitates walking. Walking= exercise. The good folks in Pueblo, Colorado have more tips.
2. Pull into a spot so you don't have to back out. This sometimes takes some manuevering but it's well worth it. You don't have to worry about potentially hitting somebody or something because your vehicle is in an awkward position.
3. Instead of seeing people as people, think of them as "baloney sandwiches". Thanks to Harry Ballicker's wisdom when we were kids, those keywords keep me focused. If you hit and injure or kill someone, by the time their "estate" is done with you, you'll be eating baloney on white into eternity. Better to be safe than sorry and look before you drive, biznitch!


Class de-smissed!

Knarly!

Eeeew!! BJ is so not down...just icky!

Suspect

Use caution if you encounter this buck toofed hillybilly. He may be accompanied by this woman:

She has been known to smoke Lark cigarettes and have several children fathered by three different rednecks nipping at her heels.

Isn't it funny that even in the animated world of the Simpsons there are symbols of ill mannered, skeevy trailer park peeps? Thanks to white trash drama courtesy of the asshole(s) who robbed me,I wasted 1.5 hours reporting the fraud to the bank and the police. I will have any money in my account reimbursed. I had to get new digits and accoutrement. I'm sure the losers won't be caught. There's a remote chance if they bought one of those disposable phones at the Verizon Wireless store but I doubt it. All in all it could've been a lot worse. Lessons pertaining to vigilance duly noted.

I Wuz Robbed!

Holy hoodwinked Batman! Home Squirrel got rolled!!! I returned home just before 7 pm and hit the mailbox. I sorted through its contents and found a rather thin statement from my bank. I wondered what was up. It didn't feel like a regular statement, it felt like a fee for some transgression. I opened the envelope and found a grand total that was out of character for my normal banking habits. The amounts listed were numbers that I didn't recognize and I was charged several overdraft fees. I began heating up a veggie burger and sat down at the computer to access my account. I clicked on the largest amount and much to my horror, I found a check with a man's name on it but my routing and account numbers. The check was issued to an out-of-state bank. In the meantime, I had my bank on the blower. I went through automated message hell as I panicked realizing that either a major mistake happened or I was the victim of fraud. They didn't put the fraud hotline number on their message until the very end. How stupid! Nonetheless, I called the number and tried to calmly explain what was going on. As I waited for the customer service rep, I scrolled through the other transactions. Apparently, the douchebag(s) went to several grocery stores, a Verizon Wireless outlet, and motherfuckin' Walmart and either used my digits to get cash or buy things. They also went to something called Sheetz. Call me a stereotyper but from the looks of the Web site, I'm dealing with some serious cracker trash. Furthermore, I learned through my own search that the bank named on the fradulent checks merged with another nearly five years ago. A "hard hold" has been placed on my account. On Monday I'll have to sign an affidavit of forgery. I don't know how this works but I hope that they'll return any money that I lost. All I know is they can take their overdraft charges and shove them up their ass if they even attempt to collect. I don't think they will. I had only one outstanding check and I contacted that person and told them what happened. But I feel like I've been invaded. I need to change all account numbers associated with the bank. My feeling is that either their database was compromised by design flaw or an employee was handing out live account numbers to someone who was slapping them on checks from a defunct bank. Anyway, I'm not sure if I need to do fraud alerts with the creditors or what? Do they have other info on me or just that? Weigh in if you're experienced. I never checked my account everyday. I'd check it often but now that this has happened, you can bet I'll make that part of my routine. If I had done so, I would've caught this a lot sooner.

Representin'

Got my fins out of bed around at 8 and drove my styx to the gym (aka Sally Maxi Pad--part of national chain with two skankalicous locations in the Baaahflo area). As I strolled in, I saw my Congressman, Brian Higgins, working my favorite back machine. For a paper pusher, he's in pretty decent shape although he ought to tone down the chest muscles as they're a bit disproportionate to his overall physique. Anyhoo, last night I met up with Mike Rite and Doo-kay to see An Inconvenient Truth. Al Gore's attempt to school the S.U.V. driving masses that global warming ain't no bullshit. I wasn't sure if I'd like Gore's presentation but I did. When he campaigned for President, his speech delivery was very Reverend Lovejoy from the Simpsons. Because he doesn't have much to lose and seemingly knows his subject well, it was an enjoyable presentation. He got his barbs in but more importantly he made succinct points with well-chosen visuals to show how we're harming the environment. I don't think it will win best documenatry but I'll bet it will be nominated by the Academy. Back to my Congressman...I didn't want to bother him with a number of issues that I could've yammered on about e.g. the Patriot Act, Net Neutrality, rubbery flubbery out of shape Buffalonians, etc. I decided to recommend the Gore film to him but only if the opportunity presented itself. There' s nothing worse than looking like an attention starved local yokel. I finished the treadmill and I was getting supplies to wipe it down when he approached. Higgins just came off the "Butt Buster" (yes, it exists. the trademark was abandoned 10 years ago. the documentation includes this disclaimer: NO CLAIM IS MADE TO THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHT TO USE "BUTT" APART FROM THE (trade) MARK AS SHOWN, i.e. butt buster) and was catching his breath.

I took off my I-Pad earpieces and said, "I won't bother you while you're not working but have you seenthe movie An Inconvenient Truth?" He puffed at me, "No, I haven't." I smiled and gazed quickly at his lower torso--his feet were in the exit position. Knowing my time was limited I said, "Do so." He smiled back and said, "Thank you" and made a quick getaway. He was probably surprised that someone recognized him--locals don't pay much attention. He was probably more surprised that Baahflo peeps show up at the gym.

I know, the California photo essay is overdue, I'll get to it...

Postcard from L.A.

Reporting live from L.A.... I feel like Louella Parsons minus the scoop. The only one that I can provide is what I've seen thus far.

To backtrack...getting out of Bahflo at ungodly hour is such a pain in the dupa! I left my suburban digs at 3:40 in the a.m. so that I could get through security and to the gate. I had the joy of experiencing the "puffer". More on that later but suffice it to say, "Welcome to the Matrix".

Washington Dulles is not the place to land if you're staying in D.C. It's just too far away. I learned that from past experience. For connecting with your flight, it's okay. I didn't eat much before leaving so I found a "Annie's Pretzels" franchise that didn't have a major line. The Wendy's next door was just teeming with people so AP won by default. I ordered a cinnamon sugar pretzel, which in Billy Fucillo terms was HUUUUUUUGGGGGE. It was also dipped in butter and laden with cinnamon sugar goodness. Could home girl get a small bag or napkin with her purchase? Apparently not. I thought I could get a napkin from the condiment area but I was out of luck. I tried to ask the counter help but it was all instant line, add water.Thankfully, Wendy's had plenty so I swiped one from them.

Driving in L.A. is wild. As Fry says, peeps are way unpredictable with lane changes and exits. It's more trying when you've been up since 3 eastern time and you don't know you're way around. I managed but I did end up at the Queen Mary in Long Beach a little earlier than I anticipated. Its interior is just goregous. A living example of fine art deco. I took photos and will post when I get back.

As you know, I'm getting my ghoul on today! I also plan on hitting an In and Out burger. Paulie Paul is way down with 'em and the flight attendant that I talked to on my first flight is from Long Beach and insisted that I go there. Rock on!

La La The Tragical History Tour

I'm so pumped! Hell's yeah I'm underemployed but I'm goin' back to Cali, Cali...stylin', realizin'....oh sorry...
I needed a change of a scenery and it just so happens that Alex Jones is having a boowah fest next week-end in Los Angeles. With Karen and Fry from France in the 'hood, it was a good opportunity so I got my Carpe Diem on and I'm Audi 5K.
I guess you could call this my "throwing caution to the wind on a budget" tour. I managed to get decent air/car rental prices. Karen and Fry are allowing me to crash at their joint. Every little bit helps. I'll have some "me" time while the goils are working it so I decided to book a Dearly Departed Tour. I wasn't going to do it but then I reconsidered after realizing that I don't get out that way too often. If you're going to do something, you might as well do it all the way. I'm really excited! I think I just talked to Scott Michaels who's the owner/operator of the business. He's a serious ghoul hound or as he refers to those of who enjoy dead celeb culture, a death hag. It's all about the celebrity death beeper. Anyway, Michaels also runs Find A Death so I hope he leads the tour because he has to be a font of macabre celebrity knowledge. I'll let you know how my ghoul bonding went.
Nonetheless, it's been a crazy week and I have loose ends to tie up before I bolt. Peace out if I don't squawk to you soon.

Me 1 Telemarketer 0

Like so many others, I'm on the federal and state do not call lists. Of course, some "charities" are allowed to call thanks to the loopholes that the laws provide. I was listening to a program on my I Pod (via the stereo) and doing things around my place when the phone rang. Thinking that it was French Fry I picked up the phone only to be greeted with noise then "Hello is Mrs. so and so in?" To a single chick such as myself the Mrs. is a red flag and a cue to have some fun. I replied, "Who's calling?"
The telemarketer tried to launch into her spiel..."I'm not selling anything. I'm Denise and I'm calling from the blah blah Diabetes Association..."

With a serious but annoyed tone, I replied, "Oh, no thanks, I don't want any diabetes." As I hung up the phone, I cackled and said, "I rock."

Bear is a Puzzy

Pookie kickin' ass, reminds me of Spike Rite's sister's late cat Misty who wanted to beat up the neighbor's dog. See the big wubby for yourself here.