Local Ghouling

I had the opportunity to check out the new Rick James headstone with Paulie Paul and Pavs who made a special guest star appearance in the B-lo this week-end. Unbeknownst to me, an article appeared in the Sunday Bahflo News detailing the work. It's made of granite from Vermont (my grandma's home state) and weighs two tons. It's in Forest Lawn Cemetery near the Delaware Ave "S" curves and the Scajaquada Expressway.
I didn't see the article until I returned home late on Sunday. I wondered how P&P music factory knew details. We visited on the second anniversary of his death. I would link to the article but the cheap prick known as Warren Buffet only allows ten days of free access to articles before he starts charging. If you're local, use your library card and try the "Custom Newspapers" database from the library's Web site.
On an unrelated matter, I hit Wegmans earlier today and grabbed some viddles. I was truly appalled when I stumbled upon Diabetic Living magazine at the checkout. A health problem has become so prevalent it's a "lifestyle"? Always looking to cash in, the subscription Web site describes Diabetic Living...

Diabetic Living magazine provides lifestyle information and recipes that diabetic readers of all ages can use everyday to lead normal, active lives. Content includes delicious recipes designed for diabetics, nutrition tips, exercise hints, health information, and the latest recommendations for diabetes care. The editorial mix is 65 percent recipes, 20 percent exercise, and 15 percent general health. Isn't it funny how the thing that brings many to a diabetes diagnosis is the focal point of the magazine? Too bad they don't have "Diabetes Prevention" magazine where useless eaters can get schooled on how not to drain the health care system.

Fun with Jackson Pollock

Remember that "Stumble" feature I told you about on the Foxfire browser? I found the coolest Web page--it allows you to paint like Jackson Pollock! Hold the alcohol fueled tantrums.

Quote of the week comes from Riley Martin who I listened to last night while indulging in the product, "Targzissians are obviously reptilians." Stern and Martin are so much funnier when under the influence.

Puck-ding!

Baaahflo native Ani DiFranco is in a fambly way--she announced the news at a NOW convention. Work it out, child, no pun intented.

Parking Lot Drama

So I dropped into Flops Communist Stupid Markets to get a few quick items to tide me over until I can properly get my shop on at Smegmans (loves me some smegs). I grabbed a couple of pasta salads that didn't look too repulsive and some strawberries that are on sale. I paid for them in the express lane where an ignorant smell phone user was utilizing every extra free minute on his smellular plan during the transaction. Although annoying it was no big deal.

I left and traipsed through the parking lot. As I've said many times before, I intentionally park further out because I don't like clusterfucks. I was walking through when a car backed out slowly. The driver was looking to her right but not to her left--where I walking. She continued pulling out not looking. If I hadn't paid attention, she would've hit me. I walked around the front of her car as she continued pulling out and said rather loudly into her open window, "You should look before you drive." Of course, I knew she'd have to get her 10 cents in so I was prepared. She drove by and in her best passive/agressive Baaaahflo way she said, "I did look." Rather than engage her and point out what she did wrong just to hear her tires squeal, I snarled, "Lick me!" and kept walking. I've been so well-behaved lately that I must've had a Pink Floyd "Momentary Lapse of Reason". I wasn't proud or humored by my reaction. I was just so frustrated by her actions. I realized that this broad was trapped in a sea of SUV's and probably couldn't see very well. But on the other hand, you can't see well if you don't actually *look* before you leap!!

So in honor of this half-witted Baaaaflonian schluburbanite, here's some Crystal Myth clues:

1. Park far away from the store. Lots of stuff to schlep to your car? Use a cart. Raining? As my grandma used to say, "You won't melt". Parking further away necessitates walking. Walking= exercise. The good folks in Pueblo, Colorado have more tips.
2. Pull into a spot so you don't have to back out. This sometimes takes some manuevering but it's well worth it. You don't have to worry about potentially hitting somebody or something because your vehicle is in an awkward position.
3. Instead of seeing people as people, think of them as "baloney sandwiches". Thanks to Harry Ballicker's wisdom when we were kids, those keywords keep me focused. If you hit and injure or kill someone, by the time their "estate" is done with you, you'll be eating baloney on white into eternity. Better to be safe than sorry and look before you drive, biznitch!


Class de-smissed!

Knarly!

Eeeew!! BJ is so not down...just icky!

Suspect

Use caution if you encounter this buck toofed hillybilly. He may be accompanied by this woman:

She has been known to smoke Lark cigarettes and have several children fathered by three different rednecks nipping at her heels.

Isn't it funny that even in the animated world of the Simpsons there are symbols of ill mannered, skeevy trailer park peeps? Thanks to white trash drama courtesy of the asshole(s) who robbed me,I wasted 1.5 hours reporting the fraud to the bank and the police. I will have any money in my account reimbursed. I had to get new digits and accoutrement. I'm sure the losers won't be caught. There's a remote chance if they bought one of those disposable phones at the Verizon Wireless store but I doubt it. All in all it could've been a lot worse. Lessons pertaining to vigilance duly noted.

I Wuz Robbed!

Holy hoodwinked Batman! Home Squirrel got rolled!!! I returned home just before 7 pm and hit the mailbox. I sorted through its contents and found a rather thin statement from my bank. I wondered what was up. It didn't feel like a regular statement, it felt like a fee for some transgression. I opened the envelope and found a grand total that was out of character for my normal banking habits. The amounts listed were numbers that I didn't recognize and I was charged several overdraft fees. I began heating up a veggie burger and sat down at the computer to access my account. I clicked on the largest amount and much to my horror, I found a check with a man's name on it but my routing and account numbers. The check was issued to an out-of-state bank. In the meantime, I had my bank on the blower. I went through automated message hell as I panicked realizing that either a major mistake happened or I was the victim of fraud. They didn't put the fraud hotline number on their message until the very end. How stupid! Nonetheless, I called the number and tried to calmly explain what was going on. As I waited for the customer service rep, I scrolled through the other transactions. Apparently, the douchebag(s) went to several grocery stores, a Verizon Wireless outlet, and motherfuckin' Walmart and either used my digits to get cash or buy things. They also went to something called Sheetz. Call me a stereotyper but from the looks of the Web site, I'm dealing with some serious cracker trash. Furthermore, I learned through my own search that the bank named on the fradulent checks merged with another nearly five years ago. A "hard hold" has been placed on my account. On Monday I'll have to sign an affidavit of forgery. I don't know how this works but I hope that they'll return any money that I lost. All I know is they can take their overdraft charges and shove them up their ass if they even attempt to collect. I don't think they will. I had only one outstanding check and I contacted that person and told them what happened. But I feel like I've been invaded. I need to change all account numbers associated with the bank. My feeling is that either their database was compromised by design flaw or an employee was handing out live account numbers to someone who was slapping them on checks from a defunct bank. Anyway, I'm not sure if I need to do fraud alerts with the creditors or what? Do they have other info on me or just that? Weigh in if you're experienced. I never checked my account everyday. I'd check it often but now that this has happened, you can bet I'll make that part of my routine. If I had done so, I would've caught this a lot sooner.

Representin'

Got my fins out of bed around at 8 and drove my styx to the gym (aka Sally Maxi Pad--part of national chain with two skankalicous locations in the Baaahflo area). As I strolled in, I saw my Congressman, Brian Higgins, working my favorite back machine. For a paper pusher, he's in pretty decent shape although he ought to tone down the chest muscles as they're a bit disproportionate to his overall physique. Anyhoo, last night I met up with Mike Rite and Doo-kay to see An Inconvenient Truth. Al Gore's attempt to school the S.U.V. driving masses that global warming ain't no bullshit. I wasn't sure if I'd like Gore's presentation but I did. When he campaigned for President, his speech delivery was very Reverend Lovejoy from the Simpsons. Because he doesn't have much to lose and seemingly knows his subject well, it was an enjoyable presentation. He got his barbs in but more importantly he made succinct points with well-chosen visuals to show how we're harming the environment. I don't think it will win best documenatry but I'll bet it will be nominated by the Academy. Back to my Congressman...I didn't want to bother him with a number of issues that I could've yammered on about e.g. the Patriot Act, Net Neutrality, rubbery flubbery out of shape Buffalonians, etc. I decided to recommend the Gore film to him but only if the opportunity presented itself. There' s nothing worse than looking like an attention starved local yokel. I finished the treadmill and I was getting supplies to wipe it down when he approached. Higgins just came off the "Butt Buster" (yes, it exists. the trademark was abandoned 10 years ago. the documentation includes this disclaimer: NO CLAIM IS MADE TO THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHT TO USE "BUTT" APART FROM THE (trade) MARK AS SHOWN, i.e. butt buster) and was catching his breath.

I took off my I-Pad earpieces and said, "I won't bother you while you're not working but have you seenthe movie An Inconvenient Truth?" He puffed at me, "No, I haven't." I smiled and gazed quickly at his lower torso--his feet were in the exit position. Knowing my time was limited I said, "Do so." He smiled back and said, "Thank you" and made a quick getaway. He was probably surprised that someone recognized him--locals don't pay much attention. He was probably more surprised that Baahflo peeps show up at the gym.

I know, the California photo essay is overdue, I'll get to it...

Postcard from L.A.

Reporting live from L.A.... I feel like Louella Parsons minus the scoop. The only one that I can provide is what I've seen thus far.

To backtrack...getting out of Bahflo at ungodly hour is such a pain in the dupa! I left my suburban digs at 3:40 in the a.m. so that I could get through security and to the gate. I had the joy of experiencing the "puffer". More on that later but suffice it to say, "Welcome to the Matrix".

Washington Dulles is not the place to land if you're staying in D.C. It's just too far away. I learned that from past experience. For connecting with your flight, it's okay. I didn't eat much before leaving so I found a "Annie's Pretzels" franchise that didn't have a major line. The Wendy's next door was just teeming with people so AP won by default. I ordered a cinnamon sugar pretzel, which in Billy Fucillo terms was HUUUUUUUGGGGGE. It was also dipped in butter and laden with cinnamon sugar goodness. Could home girl get a small bag or napkin with her purchase? Apparently not. I thought I could get a napkin from the condiment area but I was out of luck. I tried to ask the counter help but it was all instant line, add water.Thankfully, Wendy's had plenty so I swiped one from them.

Driving in L.A. is wild. As Fry says, peeps are way unpredictable with lane changes and exits. It's more trying when you've been up since 3 eastern time and you don't know you're way around. I managed but I did end up at the Queen Mary in Long Beach a little earlier than I anticipated. Its interior is just goregous. A living example of fine art deco. I took photos and will post when I get back.

As you know, I'm getting my ghoul on today! I also plan on hitting an In and Out burger. Paulie Paul is way down with 'em and the flight attendant that I talked to on my first flight is from Long Beach and insisted that I go there. Rock on!

La La The Tragical History Tour

I'm so pumped! Hell's yeah I'm underemployed but I'm goin' back to Cali, Cali...stylin', realizin'....oh sorry...
I needed a change of a scenery and it just so happens that Alex Jones is having a boowah fest next week-end in Los Angeles. With Karen and Fry from France in the 'hood, it was a good opportunity so I got my Carpe Diem on and I'm Audi 5K.
I guess you could call this my "throwing caution to the wind on a budget" tour. I managed to get decent air/car rental prices. Karen and Fry are allowing me to crash at their joint. Every little bit helps. I'll have some "me" time while the goils are working it so I decided to book a Dearly Departed Tour. I wasn't going to do it but then I reconsidered after realizing that I don't get out that way too often. If you're going to do something, you might as well do it all the way. I'm really excited! I think I just talked to Scott Michaels who's the owner/operator of the business. He's a serious ghoul hound or as he refers to those of who enjoy dead celeb culture, a death hag. It's all about the celebrity death beeper. Anyway, Michaels also runs Find A Death so I hope he leads the tour because he has to be a font of macabre celebrity knowledge. I'll let you know how my ghoul bonding went.
Nonetheless, it's been a crazy week and I have loose ends to tie up before I bolt. Peace out if I don't squawk to you soon.

Me 1 Telemarketer 0

Like so many others, I'm on the federal and state do not call lists. Of course, some "charities" are allowed to call thanks to the loopholes that the laws provide. I was listening to a program on my I Pod (via the stereo) and doing things around my place when the phone rang. Thinking that it was French Fry I picked up the phone only to be greeted with noise then "Hello is Mrs. so and so in?" To a single chick such as myself the Mrs. is a red flag and a cue to have some fun. I replied, "Who's calling?"
The telemarketer tried to launch into her spiel..."I'm not selling anything. I'm Denise and I'm calling from the blah blah Diabetes Association..."

With a serious but annoyed tone, I replied, "Oh, no thanks, I don't want any diabetes." As I hung up the phone, I cackled and said, "I rock."

Bear is a Puzzy

Pookie kickin' ass, reminds me of Spike Rite's sister's late cat Misty who wanted to beat up the neighbor's dog. See the big wubby for yourself here.

Net Non-Neutrality

I've been on a Web hiatus of sorts. I've been enjoying the improving weather, getting reacquainted with exercise, and vacation came to end sending me back to the wonders of underemployment. "Wonder" as in how-long-can-I-keep-this-going? Things are tight but all in all if there's a time not to be trapped in a cubicle, it's summer time in Bahflo.

As a side note, my "archives" for this blog don't seem to be working right. I'll need computer tech Spike Rite's assitance. I reviewed the template and saw that there's a reference to their existence. They're just not showing up. Prolly cuz I have too much shiznit on the left margin.

I'm really pissed off about the C.O.P.E. bill vote in Congress that took place on Thursday. It's the telecom industry's way of dictating how they provide access to content. Simply put, if they can't make any money from Web sites and portals, why make it easy to get to? My congressman voted in favor of this legislation. He'll hear from me on Monday. Here's a pertinent excerpt of the House Report on this legislation. Pay attention to the red text. If you're keeping score it's House Report 109-470, part 2 of 2 - COMMUNICATIONS OPPORTUNITY, PROMOTION, AND ENHANCEMENT ACT OF 2006

THE BILL (C.O.P.E.) FAILS TO PRESERVE THE FREE, OPEN AND INNOVATIVE INTERNET

The Internet was born out of taxpayer-funded projects starting in the 1960's. The pioneering use of `packet-switching,' as opposed to traditional circuit-switching, also underscored a key founding feature of the nascent Internet, namely, that of open architecture networking. As an open architecture network, packets could traverse various independent networks from various providers to reach their destinations. In short, this meant that the Internet itself was not `owned' by anyone.

In 1991, the U.S. Government decided to take this Federal network and permit its commercialization. The astounding growth of the Internet since that time is a tribute to the fact that its open architecture permitted individuals to innovate, invest, exchange ideas, and traffic on a nondiscriminatory basis. This, in turn, fostered yet greater expansion of the Internet.

From 1991 to August of 2005, the Internet's nondiscriminatory nature was also protected from being compromised by historic communications laws that required such nondiscriminatory treatment by telecommunications carriers. In other words, no commercial telecommunications carrier could engage in discriminatory conduct regarding Internet traffic and Internet access because it was prohibited by law. The Telecommunications Act of 1996, by removing barriers to greater competition, induced the rapid introduction of broadband service across the country, with a concomitant growth in Internet access and activity.

These broadband networks have become the lifeblood of our digital economy. They also hold the promise of promoting further innovation in and creation of new markets and technologies, applications and services, jobs, and furthering the widespread dissemination of educational, civic, and cultural information across communities and societies. The worldwide leadership that the U.S. provides in high technology is directly related to the government-driven policies over decades which have ensured that telecommunications networks are open to all lawful uses and all users. The Internet, which is accessible every day to more and more Americans on such broadband networks, was also founded upon an open architecture protocol and as a result it has provided low barriers to entry for that unleashed, explosive growth of web-based content, applications, and services.

In August of 2005, however, the Federal Communications Commission re-classified broadband access to the Internet in a way that removed such legal protections. It did not take long for the telecommunications carriers to respond to that decision. Just a few months later, the Chairman of then-SBC Communications made the following statement in a November 7 Business Week interview: `Now what they [Google, Yahoo, MSN] would like to do is use my pipes free, but I ain't going to let them do that because we have spent this capital and we have to have a return on it. So there's going to have to be some mechanism for these people who use these pipes to pay for the portion they're using. * * *'

In a December 1, 2005, Washington Post article, a BellSouth executive indicated that his company wanted to strike deals to give certain Web sites priority treatment in reaching computer users. The article noted this would `significantly change how the Internet operates' and that the BellSouth executive said `his company should be allowed to charge a rival voice-over-Internet firm so that its service can operate with the same quality as BellSouth's offering.' Meaning, that if the rival firm did not pay, or was not permitted to pay for competitive reasons, its service presumably would not `operate with the same quality' as BellSouth's own product.

Finally, on January 6, 2006, the CEO of Verizon, in an address to the Consumer Electronics Show, also indicated that Verizon would now be the corporate arbiter of how traffic would be treated when he said the following: `We have to make sure [content providers] don't sit on our network and chew up our capacity.'

The corrosion of historic policies of nondiscrimination by the imposition of artificial bottlenecks by broadband network owners endangers economic growth, innovation, job creation, and First Amendment freedom of expression on such networks. Broadband network owners should not be able to determine who can and who cannot offer services over broadband networks or over the Internet. The detrimental effect to the digital economy would be quite severe if such conduct were permitted and became widespread. The COPE Act permits such conduct and as a result, puts the Internet in jeopardy.

It has been suggested that the telecom industry was given this Congressional victory in exchange for its cooperation on nationwide surveillance matters with the feds. Amy Goodman from Democracy Now made this observation on her June 9th program. You can watch or listen to this program online. Once again, sold down the river for the highest bidder. For more information see Save the Internet

Mixed Nuts

Vacation week...I'm working around my place and enjoying my lack of invovlement with the public...Little things like grocery shopping, cooking, birdwatching, and catching up with my DVR have been fun, thus far. If you haven't seen the movie Immitation of Life with Claudette Colbert and Fredi Washington, I highly recommend it.

Here's a good use of taxpayer funds...no pun intended but the Joint Terrorism Task Force checks out a delivery of suspected marijuana muffins with a "dangerous" level of THC. What level might that be? Maybe the possible addition of Benadryl is what really sickened peeps. See it here.

Pictured above a "Biavan" from Riley Martin's world, for cheap laffs catch him on Howard 100 at 7 tonight.

Quote of the week:
"You look muy...taco"
Jon Stewart, Daily Show

Desparate Dirty Tricks

After responding to Fri's comment on Patrick Kennedy's use of Ambien, I decided to search the Web for stories discussing Patrick Kennedy and fellow Rx King Rush Limbaugh. I was lazy so rather than using more sophisticated search engines I settled for Google. I typed their names and look at my first result:


Rush Limbaugh Arrested On Drug Charges - CBS NewsRadio host Rush Limbaugh reached a settlement with Florida prosecutors in a fraud case involving ... Watch Video Patrick Kennedy In Car Crash | E-Mail ...
www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/04/28/national/main1561324.shtml - 72k -


Look at the text in red. Days ago, I wondered if anyone had video of the P.K. crash but quickly discounted the thought when I realized it happened in the middle of the night. If it had been earlier, maybe, but my D.C. experience has been that things die down by nightfall. Anyway, use the URL above and check the page. Unless I overlooked something, there is no video of PK's smash up derby. Those dirty assholes at CBS used Patrick Kennedy's name and a non-existent video to try and lure traffic to their Web site! Fuckers. Now I know why Howard Stern hates Leslie Moonves. CBS acts like they're a real news outlet but they'll make up all kinds of bullshit just to shift traffic their way. "Insert some bogus tags, that'll bring 'em in!"

Kennedys and Moving Vehicles

There are some things that I'll never get and the Kennedys' ability to screw themselves up in moving vehicles is one of them. They prolly have more money than God but they insist upon driving and/or flying themselves only to end up dead or in deep shit. The youngest son of what I call the "Shelley Hack" Kennedy--Ted-- will play Cap'n Rehab at the Mayo Clinic, once again. Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.) crashed his car into a concrete barrier in the middle of the night not far from the Capitol. He thought he needed to vote. Initially he tried to blame a reaction to two prescription drugs for his mishap. He finally admitted to being addicted to Rx drugs and suffering from depression. Where do I start?

I hate it when liberal democrats abuse substances and make public jackasses out of themselves. They ruin things for the rest of us who have no choice but to pin our more sensible views/hopes on them because the neocons are so "Sieg Heil". Incidents like Patrick Kennedy's just give neocons grist for the mill. Granted, the neocons have their own retarded poster children but this one involved a Kennedy who's father has been heartily mocked over the years. The press, his colleagues, and the public give him a slight pass for being the elder statesman in charge of dealing with tragedy (i.e. public deaths involving planes and overdoses).

Although I highly doubt it, maybe Kennedy's problem might make our society examine its overzealous use of prescriptions, which has been inspired by increased marketing efforts of pharmaceutical companies. I didn't have a chance to finish the book but this fact is well-illustrated in Generation Rx: How Prescription Drugs are Altering American Lives, Minds, and Bodies by Greg Critser. The author rightly points out that pharmaceuticals companies, elected officials, and the FDA collaborate to put products on the market that aren't necessarily beneficial to our health. But they usually benefit the companies' shareholders. Ain't that America?

In fairness to Kennedy, he's probably genetically pre-disposed to his problems. His mother had some serious addiction problems. Ted Kennedy likes his drink. Being bi-polar doesn't help matters, either.

Lastly, as I have to put my thing down flip it and reverse it to the work scene, was this guy born at age 45? Yes, I know he's 38 but look at him--so not cool. One usually has to work hard to look like the man i.e. a corporate tool. Maybe the stress of being a politico was the last straw for this dude.

Lazy Shabbos

Oy Vey! Speakers up, Spike--get Dooks, check it!

Bag of Douche

I think Flush Limbo deserves my "Bag of Douche" award for years of hypocritical radio rants about the scumminess of drug users only to find himself busted by the man for abusing Rx drugs. It was announced today that following a three year investigation, prosecutors will charge him with "Doctor Shopping". Essentially, it's fraud that involves deceiving multiple doctors to obtain lots of "brain candy". He was booked at the Palm County Jail . As long as he stays out of trouble, his record will be clean in 18 months !


According to the Associated Press, "Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. ... And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up," Limbaugh said on his short-lived television show on Oct. 5, 1995." Too bad he couldn't go away for awhile to a prison without privileges.



While we're on the subject of drugs, what's our County Executive smoking? He recently said he's in favor of legalizing certain drugs, specifically marijuana. Pass the dutchie on the lefthand side but really, what does this have to with any pressing problem in Eerie County? Granted we've had some drug related murders in the City but in any urban area, that's par for the course. Thankfully, Bahflo is on the light side in that department when compared to real cities. Anyway, libraries, culturals, and other vital services are grossly underfunded. There's been no resolution to the budget crisis. A Control Board is in place. The Casino that's supposed to save us all is a point of contention The legal battle will end up costing taxpayers when all is said and done. The football team is trying to force local representatives to spend taxpayer money to ensure Ralph Wilson's stanky old ass gets a good deal. The Erie County Legislature recently passed a resolution supporting Wilson's crybaby stance on the recent collective bargaining agreement between footballers and the NFL. Wilson claims the new deal hurts small markets. It probably does but the reality is it hurts that rich old fuck and his heirs. He's 87, doesn't he have enough by now? For nearly 10 years the County has owned and maintained the stadium. All he has to do is fill up the Brinks trucks on Monday morning.

On a lighter note, I am no fan of Smelly Jim Kelly the former Bills quarterback, but in researching the above, I came across an exchange between him and local fat slob weatherman Kevin O'Connell. O'Connell introduced Kelly at a 2002 fundraiser with the crack, "I remember him when he had hair."Kelly grabbed the microphone and retorted: "And I hear you used to be 150 pounds lighter. At least I'm still trim." Good one but too bad you're fugs. Nice yellow overbite.

Piglet Friday

Loves me some Jason Bateman....I've been a fan of his since the short lived 1980's TV show, It's Your Move. He's an awesome smartass who is just adorable. Bummed on the cancellation of Arrested Development--that show was hilarious.

As Spike and Fry know, Henry Rollins was on the Howard Stern Show this week. He's in NYC as was doing the media tour in support of his IFC show Henry's Film Corner. At 45, Hank is still hot--especially when he lets his hair grow.

100

Yes, yes, y'all it's posting number 100! Not much to say other than my resume is pretty much done--it can be situationally edited for various opportunities that might present themselves. I already know this will be a long search now that I'm earnestly exploring it. I have a feeling I'll be shuffling out of Bahflo before the year is over. To practice euphimistically speaking, it's economically advantageous to live in this area--provided you have gainful employment that will "make it all seem worthwhile." (thanks MTM) Otherwise it is to one's detriment that they remain behind in what is becoming God's waiting room for the trailer park/racino set. When an area gets its panties in a collective bind because an NFL team threatens to pack its shite up, you have prahlems,as we say in these parts. To add insult to injury, our retarded leadership is just starting to wake up to the fact that a Casino operated by an independent nation i.e. Native Americans will not be good for the area. Duh.


Nonetheless, tips for my computer savvy peeps (Happy Feaster btw!)

FireFox browsing rocks. If you haven't downloaded it, I highly recommend that you do. It's a nice alternative to Bill Gates Internet Explorer and the tricks that it does are fun. The "Stumble Upon" feature could translate into hours of entertainment. Register and it helps you find things that you like. The more you rate the "finds", the more fine-tuned your results are.

I've got chores before I head off to the cousin figures for some Easter chow and hockey brawls. The Buffalo Sabres take on the Maple Leafs at 5. Dinner is at 4 so we don't miss the throwdowns. The Leafs Darcy Tucker moshed Sabre Jochen Hecht's knee forcing him out. Revenge!!

Resumes

There is nothing more tedious than the necessary evil of a resume. The workplace totally sucks ass--time for a new yob.

Smash Up Derby

As all my peeps know, I got caught in a scary mosh almost two weeks ago. I thought I'd do some show and tell for full effect. In a nutshell, temperatures went from the 60's on Monday to the 30's on Tuesday. I didn't realize how icy the roads had become and by the time I got the idea, I spun out and struck a pole (the utility device, not a typical Buffalonian). Here's the money shots:

Mess

Way back in the day, I thought Eddie Van Halen was cute. When he and 70's sitcom star Valerie Bertinelli announced that they were getting married, I thought she was lucky--a cute rock dude--how fun is that? I was having my a.m. joe and trolling the Internet and nearly spewed out my french roast when I looked at this photo. Whoa! I realize he's 51 and he battled cancer and had hip surgery but look at that skin and grizzled beard. Yuck. What a shame. Lifestyle choices are everything. Glad I stopped smoking cigarettes.

Lifestyles of the Underemployed

Live from Eden, NY...it's the Spike Rite and Crystal Myth show! Last night we took a field trip to Erie, Penciltucky to see Trent Reznor (reeet-reeet!) and NIN rock out. It was great show complete with visuals and Trent sporting a fun vest that showed off his newly acquired muscles. I allow special guest star, Spike Rite, to add commentary which will be in the color red...never before have I lusted after a rock dude. My wet dreams began Sunday nite in anticipation of the show, and Trent did not let me down :)

On a musical note, the heroin-free NIN still shows these children of the flower children what ROCK is all about. Jason Mraz Fuck You!

And the same goes to Young Jeezy aka Young Cheezy--the rapper who thinks he's tough but he smells. While on an urban tip, props to opener Saul Williams who actually kept the audience's attention. He's billed as a modern day Gil Scott Heron and that seemed accurate. I thought his act would go over better in a smaller venue but nonetheless, he was pretty good. His beats kicked ass. Spike is having an epilepsy episode as he tries to perform the "Robot" dance.

Audience highlights--God knows we have to display our cattiness or it wouldn't be our show---a group of F.I.T.'s (Fags in Training (although these peeps had their act down they were just on the young side) trying to get their concert lighter on. The femmiest of them burnt his hand, squealed, and dropped his lighter prompting a floor scramble to get it back. I also had the pleasure of literally farting on a fat concert drunk as she stumbled to get past me and touched my buttcrack as she walked by. I let her have it because I had to get out of my seat to accomodate her fat fupa. And several candidates for abortion. The mullet still lives. And Americans love their beer! Nothing like watching two fisted swill drinkers stumble around an arena.

I think Spike was pleased that we were able to get in and out of the venu efficiently. Yes, here's my parking ramp teee-ap: upon entering drive all the way up, follow the exit signs all the way down and park as close to the exits as possible. So while everyone else is grabbing the first spot they see (on the way UP the ramp) there's a bijillion free spots on the way DOWN. Also back in if possible for e-z exit.

What was your favorite song, Spike? "Head Like A Hole" of course, Fish. 18 years later it still kicks rock ass. True dat, Lezzie Fins, double true.

What was your favorite tune, tuna? It was "Only"--prolly 'cuz I woke up singing it in my head.

Shall we inform our limited audience what two underemployed yet educated adults of a certain age do post concert?

Why we get up much too early to listen to the Stern Show on Sirius satellite radio, drink flavored coffee, eat bagels, then eat breakfast. Then blog. Fabulous.

Yes, the bagel appetizer was a nice touch. It's fun to talk to the radio with someone else instead of the unresponsive cat. I didn't do my normal belching with Howard this a.m.

Well it was a sad day on the Stern Show with the loss of one of the Wack Packers, Cleft Palate. Yeah, that was an unexpected bummer. What did you think of the Dana Reeve passing?

Well, at least she didn't fall off a horse.

But she did like riding one. Hi Daddy! Seriously though, the chick never worked the nic sticks and got total lung cancer. Sucks ass.

Just goes to show you, rock out while you can 'cuz ya never know when your curtain's coming down for the last time.

Well said, I like the rawk analogy. I think the underemployed are capable of great pontification and it's all possible through the magic of technology. One might say it's magically delicious or tragically malicious (thanks Spike).

All I knows is that Trent's new muscles are my new inspiration. :) :) :)

Yeah so you can whip up a batch (ohhh yeaaaah!) Yes, right on Trent's chin!!!!!

Well, I gots some bidness to take care of so I guess I'd better get out of my p.j.'s or I'll be living in the p.j.'s before long. Thanks for being my overeducated and yet underemployed special guest star, Spike!

Yes, we should start our day. It's only noon.

Smell Phones

Hate 'em. Yeah, I own one. I have a basic plan and use it for emergencies and weekend long distance. I won't upgrade my plan because I don't use the phone enough to make it fiscally worthwhile especially given my underemployed circumstances. I'm irritated over the fact that I have a landline at home so I can receive DSL service. Sure I could use high speed cable access but the combined expense of digital cable and their internet service once again isn't worth my money. In an ideal world, I should be able to ditch my landline, keep DSL, and add a smell phone via my current provider for a reasonable package price. From my p.o.v., I'd be investing in their company and in return I should get a nominal discount. Oh no. They ain't down. Consequently, I use another smell phone provider and I opted to arrange my own landline long distance. If they ain't playing ball, neither am I.

Nonetheless, I digress. I was cruising the local paper online and noticed a story about payphones becoming a thing of the past but they still exist in poorer neighborhoods. Sad to say, in Buffalo, how do you tell? There's a thin line between light rash and pure poverty... However, payphones are starting to fade in the economically depressed areas as plans become more accessible to those who don't have decent incomes or credit histories. It ends with a soon to be 13 year old West side resident remarking that she's supposed to get a cell phone for her birfday. Oy vey. As someone who works in a public facility and sees adolescent inner city displays of faux bling, I find that irritating. These punk ass kids don't treat the phone as a communication tool. They treat it like a tricked out accessory that needs to be screamed into. There's nothing like trying to get work done only to be interrupted because you're subjected to ghetto drama via a one sided cell phone conversation at full volume. I just love waiting on ignorant cell phone users as they talk while I get stuck doing their thinking for them. Since I'm not in my former position, I've eased up on this. If they take a call during a transaction,I generally stop working on their question and go back to what I was doing. F 'em. When they're done talking, I'll continue to help. And in the case of the adolescents groovin' on faux bling that homeless peeps now possess---we still have sec-ur-i-tie and homesquirrel will give 'em a buzz if you keeps buggin' the joint.
Nothing like watching your taxes supplement someone's cheesy lifestyle when you're just hanging on.

Reet Reet

Former Buffalo Sabre Pat LaFontaine's #16 was retired last night in a nice although a wee bit lengthy pre-game ceremony. It brought back fond memories for me as I used to lust after Patty while I cheered on brawler Rob Ray. Pat still has it as I found myself making piglet noises and wishing he'd commit a little high sticking on me. Not only was he good to look at but a nice dude, too as he was very involved with charities serving sick kids. Check him out---reet-reet (my cloven hooves are forming with my girl boner).

Rubbery, Flubbery, Outta Shape Dudes....

Don't wanna be that WNY'er, don't wanna be that guy...especially the dude to the extreme right side of the photo. Oy vey! Maybe this is the lighter side of "what the hell is wrong with people". Maybe this should make me wonder why I stay here. This photo was the cover of the Buffalo News a few days ago. It depicts Town of Evans residents who are angry over their taxes and mad at their Town Supervisor who was charged with driving under the influence (of alcohol--prolly a Genny Screamer).


I don't know these folks. Nor is outward appearance entirely indicative of who people are--I'm not that shallow. However, if I were to choose music to accompany that sad group shot it would be Deliverance. Aside from the typical Bahflo fat slob, check out Mr. Handle Bar Mustache and Ms. Furry 1978 Perm (holding signs). They don't strike me as forward thinkers. It's that "I want-everything-for-my-community-but-don't-you-dare-raise-my-taxes" mentality. Taxes suck--especially if you don't own property. Property owners are entitled to write-offs. These folks should go after how the money is spent and how things are run. Stop living as if all prices should go back to the 1940's. Realistically, WNY isn't as expensive as other areas.

They seem to be the same folks who would willingly kiss off culturals and edifying institutions such as libraries that add value to a community in favor of extra money so they can buy more Ding-Dongs, soft drinks, and beer. Lower taxes would give them more purchasing power for their McMansions that ruin open spaces,impose on infrastructure, and overburden public school systems. These are the same folks who want quality education for their kids but God forbid they have to contribute to it. They resent public employees who are required to earn advanced degrees in order to work. How dare they ask for a living wage to pay the same bills that the rest of the community has to pay?
The sad part is that WNY isn't isolated in this mentality. It's nationwide and consequently disheartening and scary.

What the Hell is Wrong with People?

Yeah, that's a pretty wide open question with a variety of answers but I'll focus on several incidents involving animals in Erie County, New York.
Over the last week or so there have been three stories of animal cruelty. They range from an illegal trap that injured a coyote, a dismembered but still living rabbit left on a doorstep as part of some hex, and a cat beaten within an inch of its life. For details see this link but be fully aware it is tough to stomach. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. Thankfully, the Erie County SPCA exists and they stepped in to help these poor animals. I'm underemployed but I'll find a way to make a small donation as these incidents, made me sick to my stomach. I don't know how SPCA employees do their job. I'd be a basket case. If there is an up side to the above, the cat seems to be improving. That's nothing short of a miracle. I hope that it will recover on an emotional level. I've heard of cruelty cases where animals seem to have post-traumatic stress disorder when anything reminds them of what happened to them.
I'm not sure what the charges would be if the jerk who set the trap is caught. I believe the charges in the other cases are felony animal cruelty. It only amounts to a couple of years in jail. That's not enough for scum who hurt harmless animals. I can only hope instant karma will reach out and get the excrement who committed these heinous acts. I realize we have a lot of problems but when people brutalize animals...society is truly out of control. It only begs the unanswerable question of what the hell is wrong with people?

TV Update

As promised, here's the rest of the story on my TiVO ordeal. I received the unit from the vendor in record time. It was so fast, I didn't even get the tracking e-mail! I set it up but I couldn't find the new account card. The card identifies your machine to the provider and says which services you subscribe to. I couldn't find a place to put my old card. I was puzzled and called DirectVD and was informed in a roundabout way that TiVO and DirectVD have essentially parted company. I thought I'd done enough research when I learned that DirectVD was going back to the equipment leasing model effective tomorrow. The reality was that this deal went down last summer and forced DirectVD to come up with their own equipment. Hence the divorce from TiVO. The tech person told me that I'd be better off returning the TiVO unit and getting a DirectVD Digital Video Recorder from one of their authorized dealers. I researched the unit online and saw all of these negative reviews. I was apprehensive but I didn't want to side with the wrong party in this divorce so I went ahead with my purchase. While it's not as cute and sassy as TiVO, the unit is fine. It's has a few clunky quirks but as long as it records and fastforwards through commercials, it's fine. As a matter of fact, the ffwd key works great! Its functionality is better than the TiVO I used to have and it stores more programming.
Of course, I had to look into returning the TiVO unit to my vendor. I thought I was going to get smoked. I figured okay, return shipping, re-stocking fee, all this shiznit because DirectVD wasn't clear about its program and the TiVO unit description on the vendor Web site did not say "satellite receiver sold separately". I had questions but I didn't feel like talking to Apu in India.



I tried their crustomer service chat. My first attempt was somehow disconnected. I tried again and the dude essentially told me that I was in the 30 day time limit. As long as I didn't sign up for any service with the unit, I could ship it back, no charge and get a full ree-bate (as Spike Rite would say). Rock on. Mad props to my homies at ABT Electronics, home of no tax, usually free shipping, and solid customer service. They is the shiznit!

Burp

I remember when Howard Stern was leaving terrestrial radio for satellite.I wasn't certain whether or not I wanted to follow him. I kept saying aloud, "But who am I going to burp with in the morning once he's gone?". It started back in the day when Spike Rite lived in Michael Jackson Heights, Queens and I was on the scene to get a firsthand Archie Bunker p.o.v. We're eating breakfast, surfing the 'net, and listening to Howard. He was doing a live commercial read for Aamco. As he read the tag line, "Double "a"--mco" he paused in between the double a and the mco to let out a sow
belch. I looked at Rite and said, "Did he just burp?". Rite confirmed and I just about fell off my chair with laughter. Granted, I'm an adult chick who shouldn't dig bodily expulsions from a grown man but as long as I can't smell 'em, it's all good. Quite often Howie will belch and I'll do it right back at 'em. This morning I farted at him. Immature? You bet, but at least I'm laughing my dupa off in the a.m.
I lifted the quote below from the sound bite that I linked to--I couldn't resist. I have more TiVO drama to write about but I'll wait to post. Big business is so fucked up.




Because less than 3% of you people read books. Because less than 15% of you people read newspapers. Because the only truth you know is what you get over this tube. Right now there is a whole generation that never knew anything that didn't come out of this tube. This tube is the Gospel. The ultimate revelation. This tube can make or break Presidents, Popes, and Prime Ministers. This tube is the most awesome godamn force in the whole godless world and woe is us if it ever falls into the hands of the wrong people.

Howard Beale in Network (1976)

Requiem for a TiVO

In all fairness to TiVO the above graphic is in reference to their "TiVO to Go" gadget that bombed, not their "raglar" service

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honor a dear friend. One that is designed to die a quick, hopefully painless death...That's right kids, TiVO that fun piece of technology that aids in avoiding commercials and consequently, the corporate American agenda, bit the dust this past Monday night. It started out rather innocently...the NHL is on hiatus so that a number of players can kick it Winter Olympics style. I wanted to see when the games would be on so I could TiVO them for later viewing. As a hockey fan, I'm curious about how the players will perform for their respective countries. (I'll also add that the Team USA hockey sweaters are fugly--Team Canada has a much cooler logo) Nonetheless, I hit the "Wish List" function and began working the hockey keyword. All of the sudden the screen blinked and TiVO's last words were "Welcome. Powering Up." The screen did flip to a "Just a few more minutes..." Long story short, the hard drive froze rendering it inaccessible. Tons of cool programs that I had saved are gone! Including the documentary "The Censoring of Bill Hicks..." from the now defunct TRIO network. TRIO is now some sort of broadband content provider. If I'm not mistaken one of the major networks buried this entertaining and educational channel.
Nonetheless,my satellite provider gave me some options for my dead equipment. I also called the local dude who sold it to me and installed it. I should've taken a photo of him caring. Despite the fact that I spent a goodly sum with him over the last few years, he didn't want to figure out a way to hook a sista up with a good deal. So much for supporting local peeps. Rather than give him my hard earned money for another unit, I hit the innernet and I did a little in-person shopping at the big box electronic shops. Paul can rest assured I stayed away from "Worst Buy" which polluted the Chelsea neighborhood in NYC. In the meantime, I also did a little old fashioned liberrian detective work (using liberry databases) and learned that as of March 1st my satellite provider is leaning toward a leasing model to offset the cost of HDTV TiVO's. Apparently people are tired of buying equipment--I'll say, especially when something is less than two years old and it crashes!
All's well that ends well. I found a decent online deal with no tax and free shipping plus a rebate (I expect full Mike Rite props). I'll have a lot more room on the hard drive and the ability to burn content onto DVD. If you want the vendor contact, e-mail me--I don't want NYS ruining the party.



Oh the television man is crazy (Speakers up--boo-wah!)
Saying we’re juvenile delinquent wrecks
Oh man I need tv when I got t. rex
All the Young Dudes

Mutual of Bahf-a-hole

It looks like we're finally getting some snow action after a experiencing a rather mild winter. My contraband bird feeder is still up and running, much to my surprise. I thought the douchebag landlords would've given me what for by now but so far so good. I've tried to be a good citizen by cleaning the area under the feeder (after the cat's nemisis Rocket J. Squirrel gets his feedbag on). BJ the cat is 15.5 years old but thrills to activity of the feeder once I grab her furry can off the bed and stick it near the action. Here's a sequence of photos that I shouldn't be posting but this beats housework--click on the photos for a little more detail(forgive the alignment of the companion text, I think you'll get the idea)


The Cardinals get some pre-storm grub



Polly wanna three way? (special guest star Chickadee on the far right)




Rocket J. Squirrel, ballsy character



BJ wants to re-create last night's hockey fight between Buffalo Sabres' Andrew Peters and Ottawa Senators' Brian McGrattan

Can't Truss It

An Amherst dentist was apparently murdered sometime on Thursday. Leave it to our local, unchecked media to tell University at Buffalo Dorm residents to stay indoors. Check out UB's response:



News Release
RUMOR CONTROL: Television reports incorrect

Release Date

02/02/06


Students should ignore television reports broadcast this morning urging students to stay in their dorms because of a stabbing in Amherst a distance from the North Campus. There was no factual basis for the warnings and there is no reason that students should not leave their dormitories nor alter their daily routines. The reports were incorrect.

Sirius Fun

Finally, my wait is over! After receiving my equipment, I installed my Sirius receiver at home. I'm a very happy camper, thus far. Of course Howard Stern's morning show is the main draw but I really enjoy the BBC News, World Radio Network, and C-SPAN along with the electronica and old skool hip hop stations. I'm even getting down with the Rolling Stones channel. I bought a plug and play model that has great alarm clock and game alert features. The latter is very handy for hockey fans such as myself.


The Stern show is so much better without 25 minutes of commercials and all of the censorious bleeps. It's compelling radio--very difficult to switch away from. Stern was a little harsh when he refered to Rachel Hunter as a crunt, but ulitmatley I think he was within his rights. She said she wasn't "camera ready" and didn't want Stern's film crew on her so she left. Wah, wah, wah! His assesment that she's nothing but an overweight, has been model who's famous for sucking the right dick (Rod Stewart's) was pretty spot on.



Howard 100 News is entertaining but only in very small doses because it is repetitive. I am really anxious to hear Crackwhore View , a parody of ABC's yenta-fest. I haven't really listened to Bubba the Love Sponge and I don't think I will. He's very mook oriented. Howard can get mooky but at least there's some intelligence buried in what he does. What little I've heard of Bubba, makes me want to wash. Anyone who eats poontang as indiscriminately as he does is just gross. Apparently, he was known for "chowing down" on porn stars while on the air. Just so you can get the flavor of what he does, here's an excerpt of his show from 1997. Suffice it to say this is probably a lot tamer than what he does now. Also, the excerpt can be found online via the FCC's Web site. Now you know why I love government information...

MV=male voice
M#=Male number

MV: I just want to make sure it's opposite sex, she's over 18 and you can be part of the Mile High Club for
Father's Day. Tomorrow we're going to have a plane a mile above the capa(?) terrain as Cowhead
reports live from a man getting some ass for Father's Day. And the only radio station that got the balls
to do something a little bit different.
M2: That's different.
MV: Also, some Bosch(?) power tools in the 9 o'clock hour and we'll do construction olympics again.
M2: Okay.
MV: I kind of like the construction olympics, did you know?
M2: Yes, they did.
M3: It's good.
MV: I like the guy with the nail gun, he was the best.
M2: Yeah.
M3: So far.
MV: (Sound of automatic nailing gun). Bringing back some old memories.
M2: Shooting some cats down there. (Sound of cat screaming).
M3: I'm nailing pussy right now. (Sound of cat screaming).
MV: If you're shooting a nail gun at a cat you would be considered that you were.
M2: Nailing some pussy.
MV: Nailing some pussy, wouldn't you?
M2: Exactly.
M3: Correct.
MV: Taking an automatic air gun and firing it at a feline would be slaying would be nailing pussy.
M2: Yes.
MV: Thank you. I'm just trying, you can say, you know.
M2: You're correct.
MV: What's a saying of, you know, smoking a joint, getting high, you know what I'm saying.
M2: Mm mm.
MV: Well, there's a saying for an automatic air, nail gun into a feline would be nailing pussy.
M2: Correct.
MV: And there ain't nothing wrong with nailing a little bit of pussy around here now.
M2: No.
MV: I love saying that that on the radio. You know, basically if you're
at a dead end of your life and you need to nail some pussy, become a construction guy, make sure you
do it near some cats, and get an automatic air gun.

Da Bills

Ah yes! The Buffalo Bills football team had a lousy season and made some managerial shifts in hopes of pacifying the stupified masses that build their lives around the team. Local media and even Yahoo News went nuts in announcing the changes--as if it were earthshaking news. Living in this town gets tiresome when it's non-stop Bills discussion year round. If a team member lets a loud fart during the off-season, a screen crawl appears on your TV set. The two charmers pictured above are from Rochester. They have some show about the team.

Pictured to the right is a group of our local TV sports gurus who pontificate about da Bills to people who generally know about nothing else. The photo is promoting some smelly Bills podcast. It's ironic that a medium such as television has to rely on old-fashioned radio based technology for impact on a potential audience.

As an NHL fan who occasionally discusses my enjoyment of hockey on this blog, I stand to get some shit about this criticism. But I also know that I try to be intellectually well-rounded and that my personal life doesn't depend upon the success of any local sports team. I flashback to the early 1990's when da Bills were contenders. If they won Sunday's game, the workplace was fairly festive on Monday morning. If they lost, woe be to you if you went on with your life and didn't join the coffeeklatch/pity party. The only time these morons notice the Buffalo Sabres is when the team is doing well. I hope they find something else to do and leave hockey out of it.

I've always said that no one should be in downtown Buffalo the day that the Buffalo Bills team is sold and heads for Los Angeles. That's because of the jumpers from the tallest buildings. Sorry to say that City Hall is out of the running. It became secure after Robert Leroy Wayne Jackson succeeded in 1976. Jackson plummeted some 300 feet before impaling himself on the flagpole over the building's entrance.

Now I've Heard Everything...

Puck-ding!
The Daily Download is a podcast hosted from a dude's turlet whilst he's...you guessed it...taking a dump. Complete with descriptions, grunts, farts, and a discussion of what was for dinner and is now in the pipeline,his craptacular exploits are available for your listening enjoyment. Although billed as a daily event, the last time he podcasted was back in October. I hope he's not backed up. Yes, my scurvy turlet wrecking cousin was notified of this site.
This post is my last for 2005 and is in line with a salute to this year. It was pretty sucky for me in a number of ways, most notably the change in my employment. I have big hopes for next year and I'm psyched to get into it. All the best to you for 2006!

Channel Screw

I don't know who created the video that I'm linking to but it is freakin' hilarious!! Kudos to the creator. Speakers up! Merry Christmas!

Welcome to (ho) Moes!

Moe's is a chain fast food restaurant that has better quality burritos, fajitas, etc. One of their locations is suburban Buffalo. After an evening of some last minute Christmas running around I decided to grab a quick dinner at this restaurant because the food is pretty good and they serve Coca-Cola not icky Pepsi. I realize that Coke violated human rights in Colombia by union busting and I feel guilty for using their products but when I want a cola, I want one that tastes good. Anyway, standard operating procedure at Moe's is to walk in and the help yells, "Welcome to Moe's!". Whenever Mike Rite and I go, we always say "Welcome to Homo's" at the same time the crew is yelling. Sometimes we'll say "You really blow". Anything for a cheap laugh. No greeting tonight. I walked past two elderly couples who were studying the menu and got in line behind a dude,his wife, and two kids. The wife, an agressive Asian type, had all sorts of issues. Although she spoke English clearly, she was too lazy to read and consequently comprehend what was being offered on the menu. She asked for one thing and then proceeded to change the orders a bunch of times. At one point she interrupted my transaction to fine tune her order for the millionth time. The pimply faced kid apologized while I smiled and said knowingly, "It's not your fault." Meanwhile, her putz husband is standing there with his buckteeth hanging out oblivous to the problems she's causing. The line bunched up as she discussed the various condiments she had on the orders and how much extra they were and whether or not they met the terms of her coupons. By this time I was seething because I hadn't eaten much and I just wanted to shove something in my piehole and bolt. The woman next to me joined in on my annoyance and before you knew it, her husband was punking their shit. To add insult to injury she ordered another item while her husband complained that they didn't ask which type of meat he wanted on his taco. How about you get an order of dickmeat with a side order of spine you fucking douche? Get your shit together. Take Madame Chiang Kai Shek and organize your program. I'm a single, childless chick but here's what I would've done...one parent take the kids and sits down while the other asks for a paper menu. Sit with the family and determine what's for dinner. One parent orders while the other keeps the kids together. As the ordering parent approaches the register, tell the kids to stay seated and help bring the food back to the table. Mom or Dad returns to pick up drinks. I leave fantasy world to close the transaction...as the wife paid, she decided she wanted to throw another taco onto the order. And then she had the balls to ask the kids to decide what kind of cookies they wanted. Hey bitch, they ain't got no cookies or much else in North Korea--choose a kind and tell them to like it or lump it. Such drama for a godamned taco! I grabbed a booth only to see that the dickcheez fambly was heading my way. I muttered "oh no ya don't..." under my breath and was Boltin' like Michael to ensure peace and quiet in another seating area.
Thank God the hellidays are almost over.

Sirius Drama & Kickin' it Cupcake Style

Sidekick and fellow sugarhound extraordinaire, Dyke Rite, and I had a slumber party/ Xmas cookie bake-off as we ceremoniously listened to radio history when Howard Stern left terrestrial radio on December 16, 2005. Unlike most chicks, I get down with technology and soon found myself having Sirius equipment envy (although for the record my weiner is larger than D.R.'s haw-haw). Spike Rite and I made so many freakin' cookies that I had to return to his hut in the hinterlands on the following Monday. In the meantime, I determined that I need to hear Howard in his new home starting next month. I also realize that I'm underemployed and must watch my expenses. I determined that if I dropped Blowtime aka Showtime from my satellite TV package, I could swing the Sirius subscription cost. The real bitch about Sirius is trying to find decently priced equipment. Considering my finances, I don't want the outlay to be ridiculous. The only decently priced set is one that has been out of production for about six months and it happens to be on sale at CompUsa aka ChumpUsa. I hauled my styx to the Amherst location and found the receiver only to learn that the home and car docking stations were out of stock. This is when I began learning about the ilk employed at computer/electronic stores. After I had sloppy tard boy check the stock and he reported that they were out, I asked, "When will you have it in?" Response: "Eventually" (code for "I don't fuckin' know nor do I care cuz I ain't working here past January.") I bought the receiver anyway and went in search of the docking stations at Circuit Shitty. The clerk at that store was less grubby and was a little more knowledgable. He explained that the manufacturer was no longer working with Sirius and that finding the docking station for my receiver could be a real pain in the ass. On a last ditch attempt, I went to Worst Buy (Paulie Paul's favorite) and was ignored for a good five minutes until I latched onto a clueless couple who was also looking for a Sirius receiver as a gift. They walked out with one that didn't have a tuning knob and the recipient will probably return it as operating the receiver without the knob is a nightmare. Overweight and unshaven sales slob informed me that they were out of the model that I wanted but that they were receiving a "drop shipment" (UPS delivery straight from the manufacturer) sometime that day. But he only worked until 4, he'd take my name and number and call me if the shipment came. Before I bolted to D.R.'s I decided to return my receiver because I would've been pissed if the docking stations never materialized. Much later in the day, the Worst Buy clerk called my cellie and said that the item arrived but I had to be there by 3 p.m. because that's when he's going home. Oh well. I'll have to wait 'til after Xmas. If I don't get it by Howard's first show, Dyke Rite invited me to sleep over so I wouldn't miss out. I'm sure Dookay will be thrilled to hear us two idiots whooping it up first thing in the a.m. while he conducts law skrewl 101.


Photo courtesy of Mike Rite

Paulie Paul found a video that gets ghetto while it salutes my flavorite cupcake shop in NYC. Memories of my pms throwdown with some nanny douche while getting my hook-up. Check it!

Single Parent Action

Sidekick Dyke Rite is always complaining about the single mother action in his 'hood who seem to be divorced and living off someone else's dime, much to his annoyance. I spotted this column on MSN and was curious. Upon skimming it I became appalled. Granted, single parents are common but a whole Web page of their dating disasters?! How about stay at home and raise your kids before you think about getting your pole greased or your sticks fileted? If people would have priorities their kids wouldn't be so f'd up.

Haki Saki Ha!

South Korean lawmakers had a brawl over education before ending their session. Speakers up!

Reality Check

Apparently, The Niagara Falls Gazette has a new editor from Alabama who isn't making friends with what's left of the publication's readers. Long story short, he wrote an opinion piece of his first impressions of his new assignment and outraged a local business owner. Read a quick summary of it here. Aside from not getting hockey and being critical of it, he had some good points. Sorry but truth is truth. He apparently said the following:

"Western New Yorkers have "horrible" eating habits, he wrote, citing chicken wings and doughnuts as examples of his readers' poor taste."

Spot on. People in this area are large and in-charge. I see a lot of female poot (front pouch in abdominal region), beer guts and big fat asses. Not that this area is the only place where overweight people live but they are borderline proud of their obeastity. Most haven't met a grease vat that they don't want to lick. People practically have knife fights over close parking spots--God forbid they walk a little. Mike Rite and I love the "fat/old people drop off zone" better known as the fire lane. It never fails. Some big ass SUV pulls up to the front door of Target or Wegmans and out comes a fossil or a fat slob who can't bear to walk. At least the oldster is understandable.

The Gazette editor also thinks "The rubes here are also overly impressed with Wegmans and Tops...What the food stores offer is talked about as if it's a tourist attraction. People, they are grocery stores, not a five-star hotel," he lectured.". He's right. Residents here consider travel to be Disney World and an exotic foreign destination to be Toronto, Canada. Not that there's anything wrong with T.O. but WNY'ers can be very xenophobic and consequently closed minded. God help you if your ethnicity is anything funkier than Italian. Archie Bunker exists for a reason. He's a timeless stereotype of many no matter what age group or gender. It's a WNY mentality.

Someone from Alabama shouldn't be so quick to point fingers as the old South can be just as unsophisticated as WNY. At least we don't wear sheets and hoods when we go to Wegmans for a Sunday morning donut run.

An offended business owner has established a petition calling for the editor's ouster. Considering the name of the coffee shop is "Bada Bean", I say fuggetaboutit!

Fiddy

Quote of the day...50 Cent performing at $10 Million dollar Bat Mitzvah...looks like someone got short-changed...

"Go shorty, it's your bat miztvah, we gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah."

Oy Vey!

Dear Crabby

For as long as I can remember one of my little pleasures is to check out Dear Abby in the local rag. In the age of the Internet, more often than not, I look at the column online. The Thanksgiving Day column was the obligatory "be thankful for our troops in Iraq", which is fine because it's not their fault they've been conned into service for the Halliburtons of the world. The next letter is from a writer who complained about door-to-door salespeople and religious types interrupting her life by knocking at inopportune times. She almost earned my sympathy until I re-read this part:

My problem, Abby, is this happens all the time. I live in a new subdivision...

Okay, you live in a starter castle aka mcmansion and you wonder why you're a target?! Duh! Flaunt your credit worthiness and peeps will flock to your door and phone in search of your pocket change. Notice I used the phrase credit worthiness and not the word wealth? These peeps seem to think that if they buy essentially what amounts to the innards of a double wide trailer then they'll be granted the privileges of those who actually have money. Please. They wouldn't know wealthy if it bit them on the ass.

The quote of the day is about Tom Cruise who recently bought a sonogram machine as he awaits the arrival of satan's spawn. In a recent interview he discussed the finer points of Scientology's promotion of silent child birth, here's the MSN gossip columnist's take..."'Cause when you're looking for "calm and quiet," you want the guy who screamed "I'm in love" while wantonly abusing Oprah's furniture standing right by your side."


file photo courtesy of Mike Rite

666 The Number of Your House

Texe Marrs sets us straight on the secret devil sign.

America's Most Wanted Trailer Trash

It seems a 30 year old woman in Louisiana couldn't deal with cold onion rings at the local Malt-n-Burger. She complained to the server who refused to replace her order. She became so angry that she called 911. Okay, we're probably dealing with trailer park logic, but honestly what did she think the police were going to do to avenge this "serious" wrongful act? Thankfully, her shit got arrested. Read more about it here. This story is reminiscent of an alleged call to 911 after a woman received an f'd up order in the drive-through. I don't know if anyone proved the veracity of that claim. Once I talked to a Buffalo 911 operator who told me that he received a call from a panicked woman. The cable had gone out and she had a two year old at home and didn't know what to do. A new nursery rhyme? There was a dumb woman who lived with a 2 year old and busted cable and didn't know what to do... I have a suggestion, stop procreating if you think a TV set should raise your child.

Random Bahflo Thoughts

I'm unlike most Buffalo area residents in the sense that I'm a singular sports fan. If you know me or you've read this blog long enough, I loves me some hockey and take extra delight in hockey brawls, as long as it's justified. Cheap shot Todd Bertuzzi can suck it (see below) as there's no need for that level of violence. Nonetheless, some old school slapstick comedy ala Rob Ray is perfectly fine. Anyway, now that the NHL rules have changed and fighting is in the background I've been learning and enjoying the finer points of the sport.



Now that the game is on after last season's lockout, I want to rep the Buffalo Sabres and get some gear. I live near the B-lo and from now until May it is freakin' cold here. Wouldn't you think that the organization would a)acknowledge the need for winter shirts, etc. as the sport is played in the colder months and b)provide female fans (who aren't dykes) some cute gear to buy? Here's what they offer. One cute baby doll short sleeve t-shirt, one golf shirt that is sort of feminine but looks a little too Amherst housewife, a hoody sweatshirt that is passable but boring and available only in red, along with watches and powderpuff caps. If you go to page 2, you'll see the practical Sabres "winter" tank top. Meanwhile, you hit the men's portion of the store and there's enough winter gear to cover every Buffalo beer gut. Unfair.

Did you ever think that dropping out of the University at Buffalo's medical school would be a good career move? The folks at Celebrity Death Beeper notified subscribers that Harold Stone died at 92 years of age. Stone, a character actor known for his work in film and television dropped out of the University of Buffalo Medical School when he had to work in order to support his mother. See his obituary for more.

Retards on Ice

First day of snow= idiocy in suburban Bahflo. About 8 inches of the "white stuff" fell in my neck of the woods. School was open and it was super special to find a Desperate House Whore in her late model SUV waiting for the school bus to come. Too bad she was blocking a nearly non-existent driveway--it was clogged with snow. Back in my day, we froze our asses off by ourselves waiting for the damn bus. I don't mind that people look out for their kids, I just wish they wouldn't get in my way as they do so. Nonetheless, it was a rough ride in not so bad on the way home. Here's to seven more months of this crap, ugh!

Just Wrong

My cat would totally tell me to "suck it" if I even attempted this. Recently dealt with a birfday--thanks to my pals for the props, y'all rule. I've come to the conclusion that no matter how old I get, I can still make myself laugh, therefore I rock.

Doin' it for da Chi'drens!

It's election day and a day off for me. I'm taking 'em while I can still get 'em. I conned Mike Rite into seeing the new Wallace and Gromit movie. We decided to hit the earliest show to try and avoid kids who tend to make too much noise. Thankfully the audience was small although it was mostly kids. Parents present looked at us enviously because we didn't have any rugrats in tow. The movie was really good. Nick Park is British and therefore his sense of humor was a bit too sophisticated for American children and their dopey ass parents. There were all sorts of gags, some intended for kids, some not, that Rite and I snickered over. The rest of the audience had little to no reaction. Today's audiences have to be beaten over the head before they find the humor in something. How sad. I was really amazed at the adults who didn't laugh at the things intended for us. If it were that whiney sonofabitch Seinfeld they would've eaten up like greasy pizza. Why do I have to live in the most dumbed down nation in the world?
On an unrelated note, I just purchased the new Beavis and Butthead DVD only to learn that it sucks according to several Amazon reviews. Luckily, I didn't open it so I'll take it back and buy something worthwhile. Family Guy comes to mind--check out their "tribute" to the FCC. I wish the B&B crew would get it right. They keep releasing inferior DVD product and fans are up in arms!

Martha Stewart isn't a Good Thing

Remember how I purchased CD cheez and garned an I-tunes music store card? Well, today I decided to start using it. There's nothing better than to think of an obscure song and just grab it. I was listening to some previous from my weekly Other Music e-mail, which features clips in hopes of enticing you to buy CD's. Nonetheless, they had a cut from a Sweedish dude who goes by Dungen. The song "Ta Det Lungt" had a strange Asian/rock flavor that intrigued me so I decided to buy it from I-tunes. I thought of a few other singles, searched, and purchased. Then I remembered I wanted "Santa Baby" as sung by Eartha Kitt not by that douche container known as Madonna. Several hits came up including a Martha Stewart Christmas collection. UGH! I chose to purchase my single from the Eartha Kitt "Platinum and Gold Collection" CD rather than give the house of Mothra any contribution. A few minutes later, I tried to find the David Bowie/Bing Crosby "Little Drummer/Peace on Earth" collaboration that they did on a 1970's television Christmas special. Sure as shit Mothra had her hooks in that too! What gives? I wouldn't buy it on principle. That Bahflo native denying doyenne can make money from other suckas! Maybe I should hook up with Sista Mike Rite Queen of the Download to find it elsewhere.

Vagina Celebrations

As you know, layoffs are in effect in my workplace and that means displacement in many forms. Some co-workers will be gone shortly if not already while some are going part-time with benefits while others are hiding out in allied jobs until maybe the civil cervix gods resurrect them. I'm of the part-time variety. On its face, it sounds good but I learned the reality today. Rather than allow us to work a three-day week to qualify for supplemental unemployment, we're being asked to work four days. It's a minor quibble in the sense that the money lost isn't much and the hassle that you go through to get it really isn't worth it. In my eyes my new circumstances are a cushion for the interim and nothing more. In the words of some lil' ghetto rappers "Ya gotta get up, get out, get some, shit!"

In some ways I'll miss the atmosphere of my work area. Overall, the people are talented and fun professionals. That being said, it's time to get on my work soapbox and do some generic complaining that could apply to almost any office atmosphere. Please refer to the title of this post.
Vagina Celebrations can be defined as female events that have a tie-in with what enters or leaves their vagina. In other words engagements and marriages (enters) and births (leaves). I'm probably setting myself up to sound like an envious little shrew but that's not my intention...here goes. I'm a single, cute, 30 something, childfree chick. All in all, I like my life because I'm free to do a lot of fun, interesting, not to mention selfish things. I keep my own hours and owe no one any explanations. I certainly don't begrudge my married with children counterparts their happiness despite the fact that they don't understand why I'm the way I am and why I don't want to be more like them. Nonetheless, as a co-worker, I get irritated by office showers to celebrate entrances and exits. Why I should I make a financial investment in somebody's life choice when no one makes one in mine? If I'm truly friendly with someone, then they merit a gift. Otherwise, it's giving under duress. Furthermore, what about time off? Dummy me hardly ever takes sick time while the moms and moms-to-be take off because they or their offspring are barfing. Single (not to mention gay peeps) get to pick up the slack with very little in return. There's nothing better than being stuck ooohing and ahhing over photos of someone's kids when you're trying to get something done. Today a co-worker spent 20 minutes showing her photos. The owner of these photos later contemplated taking them with her in case she runs into people upstairs adding, "I'm such a mom!" to the end of her thought process. I felt like saying, "You're such an egomaniac!" This is the sort of stuff that I'm subjected to frequently and after awhile it gets tiring. I wish I had the ability to hand out Vagina Celebration awards every time I hear about someone's wedding plans,dumb husband and/or their lame kids. Why can't these peeps understand that they're not paid to bring their personal crap to work? Show up, do your job, and get lost. This isn't a motherfuckin' sitcom where we actually care what happens to the characters. Get over it.


Pictured above is my little pumpkin'. She is not an extention of my ego.